This past weekend, I got to do one of my very favorite things: present as an ambassador for Envoy. When the Estrem is being featured in a seminar near me, the wonderful folks at Envoy call and give me the opportunity to share my story. I LOVE IT!!! Public speaking has become joyful since I can hear. This time, it was even more fun because the seminar was with my incredible surgeon, Dr. Shohet, AND Julie Higginson, the CEO of Envoy, was there. It was wonderful to meet her! I actually got to meet a lot of wonderful people who were so encouraging. It was so nice to be around people who understand what I'm going through and to actually feel like a part of something. When I can't hear, I feel like an outsider all the time. More on that later, though. :) I tell my hearing story frequently to anyone who will listen, but it never gets old. Being able to talk to people who are struggling with hearing loss and help them realize that there is hope for a normal life brings me great joy!
I have to brag on Envoy and Dr. Shohet for a minute. When I was asked to attend the seminar originally, I said yes, of course, but then it was cancelled. The day before the seminar, Amy from Envoy (who I am dying to meet!) called to tell me that they had more interest and decided to hold a smaller version, but she wanted to tell me so I wouldn't feel like I wasn't welcomed. How sweet is that?!?! Of course, I decided to go to the seminar since it's just a few hours away. We'll, I also warned Dr. Shohet to look at my incision and had been trying to schedule an appointment. Very graciously, he agreed to check it after the seminar, in a Saturday. What a blessing he is! When I arrived, Julie greeted me with a HUGE hug. I was floored. Not many CEOs are so personal. Dr. Shohet also showed me such kindness and warmth. I am so thankful for them both!
In his presentation on Sarurday, Dr. Shohet explained the effects of hearing loss. It was like he was inside my head! I'd like to elaborate a little bit on what he said and ass a few of my own areas of frustration. Some of my acquaintances can't understand why it is so difficult for me to lose an ear. Hopefully this will help!
Feeling dumb - One of the most frustrating aspects of hearing loss is feeling dumb or like others perceive me as being dumb. I can't follow conversations, so I cannot engage appropriately. I respond to hear I hear instead of what is actually said. For example, I was in a meeting a few weeks ago and our principal asked me, "What is the student's birthday?" I responded with, "She has a positive attitude and works really hard!" I thought she had asked, "What is the student's forte?" When that happens, which it does frequently, it's embarrassing. I know I don't come across as intelligent or capable, which really bothers me.
Being rude - The desire to appear engaged and intelligent leads to the next problem. I know that I can't follow conversation and respond appropriately, so I spent most of my time trying to predict what other people are going to say and coming up with responses in my mind. Then I give those responses...usually before the other person is done talking. When I realize it later it's embarrassing AGAIN and I hate that I seem so rude. I do this OFTEN, but I don't realize it until much later. I spend a
lot of time apologizing for being so rude.
I also hate coming across as aloof or snobby. If you know me, you know that I am NOT either of those things. I love to chat with people! However, if I don't know someone is talking to me, I can't respond. Last week, I was at a BBQ with some friends. Later, I received an email from someone apologizing for teasing me. I had no idea he had been talking to me, but he thought that I was not responding because I was upset with him. Yeah, it's no fun!
Frustration -All of the other things I'm describing are areas of frustration. I HATE not following what's going on, but sometimes it's just functional situations. For example, I have to give reading assessments at work. That's TOUGH when I can't understand many speech sounds. My kids have to repeat themselves over and over. We're all frustrated. I can't order in restaurants because I can't understand the waiters!
Paranoia- I thought this was just me until Dr. Shohet talked about it on Saturday. When I can't hear, I think no one likes me. I spent most of my life feeling that way, even wondering if I was autistic because I never fit in. See, I had to watch everyone around me interact but I was ALWAYS an outside (and am again now!). That led to me thinking that everyone must be talking about me or trying to exclude me. Fortunately, I know now that no one was TRYING to exclude me and it was all in my imagination, but I still find myself slipping into that mindset now.
Feeling lost - On Monday, I went to dinner with some coworkers, Melissa, Karla and Carlos. When we got to the restaurant, Melissa said that Carlos was coming but Carlos wasn't responding to her texts. Except she actually said Karla was coming and Carlos wasn't responding. I spent a long time trying to figure out what was going on all because I couldn't distinguish the word endings. This is jus one instance. I feel like the world is spinning around me and I can't figure anything out. It's no fun.
Exhaustion - When I can't hear, I spend ALL of my energetic tying to. I'm exhausted. Simple tasks like phone calls wear me out. After a day in the classroom, I'm super grouchy and worn out. But I can't unwind enough to sleep. It's pretty darn miserable!
The absolute worst part of hearing loss is isolation, but that deserves its own post. I am so thankful that my hearing loss is temporary this time!
A few happy pictures...
The amazing Dr. Shohet and Marcia Weiss, another Esteem recipient
Megan, my first Esteem audiologist and very precious friend!!
