Thanksgiving

This year has been...challenging. Ok, it's been hell. To be given the incredible gift of hearing and a new life that I loved just to have it ripped away with no warning for 5 long months was awful. I can't adequately explain what that did to me or the pain it caused, but trust me when I say that I would rather be dead than experience that again. It was terrible.

Now it's over. Life is back to normal and I couldn't possibly be more grateful. When I look back over everything that happened this year, I cringe when I remember how awful it was and how poorly I handled things. The pain is still very real, BUT the gratitude I feel overwhelms every bit of pain. It's difficult to type this because my eyes fill with tears when I think about how blessed I am! I never dreamed there would be a solution for hearing loss in my lifetime or that I would benefit from one if it became available. I never thought I could be easy going or social or fun to be around. I never knew hearing loss kept me from being myself. So I am thankful....

That I am NOT stuck in a lonely and isolated world. I can be me now! Life is enjoyable!

That my bosses and coworkers  are supportive and have been patient during all of the struggles this last year. 

For precious students who, despite their own struggles with disabilities, are intrigued by this whole process and aren't afraid to question what is happening. 

For my family taking care of me after every surgery and when I was an emotional wreck. They've had to rearrange their schedules to drive me to appointments and surgeries and take care of me so much this year but they don't complain. 

For friends who tried to be supportive during the long nightmare, even when I was not willing to be with people and spent most of my time crying. 

For a church that loves me and hurts AND rejoices with me. 

For an even greater passion to help kids with special needs, since I was forced back into that world again. 

For modern technology and the engineers who developed the Esteem. 

For Dr. Shohet. What can I say? He's amazing. I couldn't ask for a more skilled or more caring doctor. He constantly goes above and beyond, making me feel like he cares about me, not just my hearing. I know I can trust him because he makes it clear that he really does care and wants the best for me. He didn't give up on me when things looked bleak and I was an incredibly difficult patient. 

For Megan, my first Esteem audiologist who has continued to be supportive and a friend even though I'm not her patient anymore. 

For MaryKay, who moved heaven and earth to schedule appointments and surgeries, calmed me down when I was anxious and navigated insurance paperwork for me. 

For Sam, my current audiologist who is my friend first. The first time I met her was on a day when I was really insane and scary. She acted like she didn't care and has continued to be so loving and kind and very real. I love that! I don't hate going for hearing tests because I get to visit with her. That says a lot. :)

For Julie, the CEO of Envoy. She is warm, personable and truly cares about Esteem patients. One of the few bright spots in my time with only one ear was the day I met her. She greeted me with a long hug. I'll never forget that! 

For Amy, an Esteem counselor who is also dually implanted. Right after my right Esteem was removed, she called. As soon as I answered, said, "Is it as bad as I think?" I SO appreciated her candid nature and ability to empathize. She never told me it wasn't too bad or that it would be over soon. She understood how hard it was and supported me. I'm so grateful. 

For my friends who live far away. For a good portion of this year, I could only communicate in writing. I am eternally grateful for my friends who were just a text or email away. They kept me encouraged even I was so lonely. 

For my Esteem friends. We have a very unique bond. It's wonderful to talk to other people who "get it." Ashton, Melissa, Ryan, Marcia, Claudia, Pam, Terry....there are lots of us out there who support each other. Check out this link to see how the Esteem has changed our lives: https://www.facebook.com/InvisibleHearing/timeline/story?ut=43&wstart=0&wend=1417420799&hash=6889299929134462896&pagefilter=3

For opportunities to share my story. This has been an AMAZING journey! It's not all sunshine and roses, of course, but it has completely changed my life. I LOVE opportunities to share my story at Envoy events, through the internet or talking to prospective patients. Being part of someone else's journey is rewarding and exciting!

Most of all, I am thankful to serve the God who heals. I am so undeserving of such a gift...but He has given it to me anyway. Blessed be the name of The Lord!

Lots to be thankful for

This weekend was wonderful, filled with so many fun activities that I could enjoy thanks to the Esteem. I'm grateful every minute of every day, but sometimes I am so overwhelmed with gratitude I can't stop my tears. After 3 surgeries and 5 months of deafness in the last year, it seems surreal to be back to myself. I'm having fun again and am not constantly stressed and isolated. And I'm thankful!

The hardest part of the back and forth hearing then not hearing then hearing, etc. has been trying to have a social life. It seems like every time I actually have one, I lose my hearing again. Life has been pretty lonely, but this weekend was wonderful because I got to spend time doing fun things with people. (Side note: I'm still shocked that doing things with people is fun for me now. Amazing!)

Friday light, I met up with my brother's girlfriend, Selena, to go shopping and have dinner with a friend of hers. We went to Rosa's in Visalia, which has always been really difficult for me. The acoustics are terrible. It was really tough to follow conversation but I finally figured out that turning the ear that is facing the noisiest side of the room down in volume helps.  I still had some hearing in that ear, but it cut out a lot of background noise. 

Saturday morning and afternoon, Selena and I had a big baking day. We made pumpkin everything. :)

Saturday night, I got to go line dancing!! Obviously, dancing of any sort is NOT something deaf people enjoy. I would never have been able to enjoy anything like this before, but it was a blast!! I had no clue what I was doing, but it was so much fun and the teacher was fantastic. I was able to meet lots of new people and only had one really embarrassing moment in conversation when I misheard something. That's not too bad. I didn't get any pictures, unfortunately. :-(

Then today, my church had worship by the lake. It was freezing cold, but it was a beautiful reminder of how great God is and the incredible way He has blessed me. I am just so grateful!

Adjusting...again!

Let me start off by saying how incredibly grateful I am to be able to hear again. The nightmare of losing my hearing is OVER and I could not be more thankful. I have my life back and it is wonderful. 

I expected for life to be normal again as soon as I could hear again. For the most part, it has been. Just last week, one of my coworkers (and VERY dear friend) told be, "you don't understand it, hut you're a totally different person when you can't hear!"  I know how different I feel, but it's always interesting to hear that other people see it. I am NOT a happy or nice person when I can't hear. It's just miserable. I can't put into words how terrible it is to lose hearing. It was hell...pure hell for 5 months. I thought my memory of it would become more positive as time passed, but I still cry just thinking about it. I lost MYSELF for 5 miserable months. 

Adjusting has been weird. I've healed well and feel wonderful. The hard part has been developing a social life...again. It's been a crazy roller coaster ride over the past 3 years. I hated bring around people for 26 years then realized I actually love it when I can hear. For 6 months, I worked hard to make my owl social life. That's not easy when you're in your late 20s and single...trust me. :) Then I had my other ear implanted and was a hermit for 10 weeks again. Once that ear was activated, I had the best year of my life. I had so much fun DOING things I could never do and enjoying being with people. It was an amazing year. Then I had 3 more surgeries that resulted in 5 months of deafness...again. Now I'm back to square one. I crave social interaction but I have to rebuild that life...again. Now Im constantly waiting for everything to fall apart...again. I feel the incision at least 10 times a day just to make sure everything is ok. I take pictures constantly. There's no reason to think there will be more complications but the emotional scars are huge. Hopefully this will be the last time! :)

Here are a few pictures from some adventures lately. I really do enjoy life when I can hear. :) This is an absolute miracle and more than any other emotion, I feel tremendous gratitude all the time. 

Sentinel Dome in Yosemite. I chaperoned our 8th grade camping trip...something I couldn't have done pre-Esteem 

My sweet friend Katie and her friends were doing a cross country road trip so they stopped to visit the Sequoias. It's still shocking that I actually made friends and am in contact with people that I only met once. That would never have happened pre-Esteem either. :)

Sports

I have always HATED participating in sports. I'm not athletic or coordinated, so it makes sense that I hated PE and sports when I was growing up. Now I work in a reall small school and we always need coaches. I volunteered to coach volleyball, since it's the only sport I know anything about. At today's game, I FINALLY realized that I've always hated sports because they are completely reliant on hearing!

Think about it. Before you serve, you what for a whistle. Refs use whistles to get attention before they use hand signals. If you can't hear the whistle, you don't know to look for hand signals. We yell at the girls to "Communicate!" and "Talk to each other!" Obviously, I could never hear anyone else since I was watching the ball and not lipreading. Then throw in all the sounds from other games and cheers from parents...I must have been so lost. No wonder I hated it! Of course, I was even more lost without hearing aids and those break when you sweat. 

It makes me wonder how different life would have been if I'd been able to hear as a kid. I might have actually fit in. I could have enjoyed going to football games or doing other group things. I didn't know. I am so glad that I didn't know what I was missing!!! I love this experience of realizing how much better my life is, even though I had my first ear activated over two years ago.  Living a miracle is pretty incredible. 

Paranoia

Life is GRAND with two working ears. It's been a little over a month since my last surgery and I feel fantastic. There is very little pain at the implant site and it only occurs when I touch it. I am so blessed and so thankful. 

The only problem is paranoia. Is it possible to get PTSD from medical stuff?? For the last few weeks, I've been waking up in the middle of nightmares in which I am sitting in my surgeon's office being told he's going to have to remove the device again. That was a horrific nightmare when it actually happened and I do NOT enjoy the recurring nightmares now.  I check the incision at least 5 times a day. If you are in the medical field and I know you in real life, I've asked you to look at it, too. I'm still applying neosporin twice a day, which is only required for 5 days post op. I only wash my hair every other day to avoid any unnecessary pressure and/or water. I've considered driving 3 hours JUST so my surgeon can look at the incision...even though he told me it looked great 2 weeks ago. I actually wish my hair weren't growing back so fast so I could see the incision.  I am PARANOID. 

Isn't it great to have something so wonderful that the thought of losing it makes me paranoid? I am so thankful. I never thought it would be possible to be MORE grateful for my Esteems...but I am. I can enjoy life when I can hear. This is an amazing work of God. 

MaryKay

It's no secret that I absolutely love Shohet Ear Associates. The people there are wonderful, both in their professional abilities and in the way they interact with patients. Tonight, I would like to elaborate a little more about one particularly special person: MaryKay. 

MaryKay has been the person designated to work with Esteem patients (among her many other tasks). She has such a gift for working with frightened patients who are making big life decisions and need a listening ear and encouragement. From day one, she has been a constant source of comfort and encouragement for me. Her calm demeanor was a God send many times when I was frantic. She helped tremendously in getting insurance coverage for my surgeries and kept me calm during all the battles surrounding that. In fact, on one especially challenging day recently, my mom told me to call MaryKay because just talking to her would make me feel better.  She has worked wonders in scheduling appointments to make my life easier. It's been comforting to know that she will make a way for me to see my surgeon or audiologist whenever I need to. She handles paperwork efficiently, deals with insurance companies. calms frantic patients, maneuvers schedules with ease...and all with a smile.  

   Most of all, MaryKay makes patients feel special. I've never ended a conversation with her without feeling uplifted. Despite her busy day, she always takes time to ask about my life. She doesn't just ask about my ears, but about ME. When she knew I was taking a trip to visit a man I was crazy about, she emailed to ask how it went. She tells me that she's praying for me. She invites me into her own life, sharing stories about her family. That kind of personal connection is a rare gift. I've faced some pretty hard times hearing wise and she's been there for me. She has literally been a shoulder to cry on. I've also faced some incredible times hearing wise and she's been there to celebrate with me. I love walking up to her desk knowing that she is going to give me a big hug and we will chat for a bit. Medical issues are challenging and can be very isolating. It's terrifying to face hearing loss. MaryKay made sure that office visits were cheerful instead of scary. 

   I found out tonight that she's retiring.  I've already shed a few tears. I'm so very happy for her! If anyone deserves an amazing retirement, it's MaryKay. Selfishly, I'm sad. I will miss her! I've finally come to realize that there's no way I will ever be able to adequately express my gratitude to all the people who make me able to hear, so this is my very meager attempt. Thank you, MaryKay! You've made a tremendous difference in many lives, mine included. Enjoy your retirement!

5 months

The surgery to remove my right sound processor was 5 months ago today. I am so very thankful that Dr. Shohet agreed to re-implant early instead of waiting 6 full months. I don't think I could have handled another month. It was a horrible, horrible time. I am still trying to figure out what I needed to learn or what good will come out of this. I know that God promises to work all things together for good - ALL things, even this. I have to figured out what good will come from this. I'm just thankful it's over. 

One of the hardest aspects of losing the hearing God miraculously gave me was feeing forsaken. It seemed cruel for God to deliver me from a life of isolation and silence...for which I VERY publicly praised Him and was ever so thankful...then to throw me back into that. It was hard. 

I still don't know why. I don't know if I ever will. The book of Job makes it clear that sometimes we suffer and never know why. What I DO know is that I am grateful - abundantly, exceedingly thankful - that that period of my life is over and I am determined to make the most of this miracle. To whom much is given, much is required.  I've been given so much. I pray for opportunities to DO much. 

Post Op and Programming

My cup overflows. I saw my incredible surgeon and wonderful audiologist yesterday for a post-op check and programming for my right Esteem. Everything is wonderful...really, really wonderful. (Side note: I HATE doctor appointments unless they're at Dr. Shohet's office. Everyone there is so wonderful. The only downside to not needing do much medical attention is that I won't get to see everyone so often!) Dr. Shohet said my incision is healing very well. I definitely cannot lift anything heavy for another week...so no setting up my classroom. My coworkers will understand the humor in that. :) Sam programmed my right ear to mostly match my left and the results are fantastic. My tympanogram (middle ear pressure) is shallow, probably from inflammation, but I'm still hearing very, VERY well. I am so thankful.

My friend Robin and I drove down to Orange County on Saturday to hang out and relax for a few days. I was worried about my energy level, but I've been okay. The pain is pretty much gone now and I feel like myself again. Of course, I'd take pain over hearing loss ANY DAY! We've had a lot of fun just exploring. :) We spent the day at Disneyland yesterday. I couldn't ride many rides, but had a blast enjoying the park. Lots to celebrate right now. One of these definitely stands out. :)

I go back to work on Monday, my 29th birthday. Like every teacher, I dread summer ending, but I am very glad that I'll be able to function normally again. The last few months of the last school year were really difficult. It's hard to teach under constant stress. What I'm dreading most is sitting in 3- and 4-hour long training sessions on my birthday. I don't handle sitting still very well haha! At least I'll be able to hear the presenters now. :)

The change in my mental state is dramatic. I knew I would feel better once I could hear, but I didn't think it would be this different right away. I'm calm. The constant anxiety and tension are gone. Obviously, I'm stressed out about a new school year, particularly when I'm limited physically, BUT I can handle everyday life stress. When I couldn't hear, the constant stress was such a burden that little things got to me. It was horrible. Looking back, I see that pattern all through my life. I thought it was just me. I am so thankful  it's not. Life is much more enjoyable when I can relax. :).  This miracle never ceases to amaze me. 

Back to myself

My right Esteen sound processor was implanted again last Thursday. It has been far more painful than any of my other surgeries but I am so thankful to be able to hear again! Recovery has been challenging this time and I actually took the pain meds, so this post is long overdue. :)

Surgery day was pretty calm. I was a nervous wreck. I had flown in from OKC at 11:30 the night before and was pretty tired, too. My sweet friends kept my phone lit up with messages all morning, which helps a ton!! I even heard from Julie and Amy at Envoy. How sweet is that??

The anesthesiologist was a gentleman I had never met before. I thought he seemed pretty serious until I noticed a hammer sticking out of his pocket and asked about it. Turns out it was just a pen but after that, we all lightened up a little bit. :) 

This surgery was at Dr. Shohet's new surgery center. Of course, everything was too notch, as I've come to expect from anything relating to his practice.  It was very nice being the only patient having surgery that day. I begged Dr. Shohet to use sedation instead of general anesthesia but he would not agree. My mom finds it hilarious that he told me, "You are very influential, you know?" They all know me after 5 surgeries. :) I HATE anesthesia. In fact, I hate it even more after this surgery. 

Apparently, Dr. Shohet came in to talk to me but I don't remember that at all. When I woke up and was alert, I asked the nurse if things went well and she kept telling me she thought so. This nurse was wonderful but that was horrifying. I needed to know for sure! I asked her to get Dr. Shohet but he was gone. I even asked them to call him haha. It was very scary. Eventually, the anesthesiologist came in and gave me more details. I started crying as soon as he told me everything was working well. He actually got tissues and wiped my eyes for me. That was so sweet. 

My mom tells me I woke up MEAN and was yelling at everybody. I don't remember that at all, but am very embarrassed. That's another reason for me to hate anesthesia. I do remember everyone being very sweet. Even the ladies from the regular office (not surgery center) came in to check on me. That was so nice! They brought me coffee, too, and so did mom. Michiko blinged out my ear bubble, too. Isn't it adorable??

Dr. Shohet turned on and programmed the Esteem in surgery so I could hear when I woke up. The ear bubble precluded me from hearing much, but I could hear my own voice and a lot of screechy feedback. I DO remember freaking out at that point. Everyone went into motion, getting my remote and making arrangements for me to see Sam (my audiologist) that afternoon. Robert, the Envoy tech who was in surgery, didn't know how to fix it, so they thought I should see Sam.  It still amazes me how caring the entire practice is. 

Mom and I were planning on driving home immediately, but we had to kill time to make the audiology appointment. Fortunately, I felt GREAT!!!! It was like the huge burden I'd been carrying for 4 1/2 months was gone. I felt like myself again. Two of my friends actually commented that they could tell I was back to normal just from pictures that day. Mom and I went to the beach and got food. It was a nice afternoon. Mom was surprised that I was hearing better even with the bubble. 

Of course, seeing Sam is always fun. Seriously, I really like her. I love that I feel more like a friend than a patient AND she's great at her job. I LOVED it when she pointed out that I was communicating better already. She did a tymp and it was almost normal. Apparently the bubble was causing the feedback. I saw Dr. Shohet briefly. It was nice to hear him say that everything went well. 

Recovery has been difficult this time. I didn't sleep well that first night and the pain got pretty bad. Friday and Saturday were AWFUL  I couldn't move at all without excruciating pain. The pain meds didn't control it at all. I texted Dr. Shohet's nurse and got the OK to add ibuprofen. That made it bearable. I actually fell asleep sitting straight up because I couldn't move. Mom said I was moaning and grimacing all night. I had never had pain like that with the other surgeries. I actually rested for an entire week this time. I am the worst patient ever and have never rested for as long as the drs recommend. This time, I had to. It was pretty painful and consisted of a whole lot of this...

It's been a week now and I'm still not back to normal (physically). I'm sleepy and still have pain. The great thing is that it doesn't matter. :) I can hear again!! I'm not trapped in that horrible isolated state. I had to go to target today and was able to understand the cashiers. I can hear the dog's collar jingling when he comes down the stairs. I hear the doorbell and my phone and so many other sounds I've missed. Most importantly, I can communicate again. I feel like me! I'm so thankful for this miracle!

Summer Fun and a Surgery Date!

Summer is in full spring around here!! My precious "niece" and "nephew" are here for 2 1/2 weeks and we are making the most of very minute! It's very, VERY frustrating that I can't hear them as well as we became accustomed to. For instance, I can't understand them in the car when I'm driving and they are adjusting to getting my attention and looking at me when they talk. We are still having a blast though! This is my third post-Esteem summer and the joy of being in the water and hearing is still new to me. I love being able to play. We are spending lots of time in the pool.  At Disneyland, the kids and I got to play at the splash pad. We rode Splash Mountain...and no one had to cover my ears!

My mom, dad and I took the kiddos to Disneyland for a few days and had a great time!!  I was worried about the noise bothering me but it wasn't too bad. The worst part was when Brynna and I rode Tower of Terror by ourselves. It's tough to depend on a 5-year-old to tell you what's going on...especially when she's quite imaginative. :) Overall, it was a fantastic trip!

While we were in Southern California, I went to see the amazing Dr. Shohet. It's seriously so nice to walk into the office and be greeted by name. I've never felt so welcomed in a doctor's office! Gavyn was quite disappointed that Dr. Shohet was not going to cut my head open that day because he wanted to watch. Brynna, on the other hand, was relieved to meet him and find out that he is nice even though "chopping people's heads open is NOT nice!" I was thrilled that they got to meet him. They don't understand what an impact he has made on their lives...

So the big news is that I am having surgery to replace the sound processor July 24 or 25! Shockingly, I'm terrified. The surgery will be a bit more complicated than I had anticipated and I will be under general anesthesia. I HATE general anesthesia. I'm catatonic for 10 days after every surgery, the breathing tube hurts my throat and I tend to get sick and/or pass out. Plus, this will be a different anesthesiologist than I've had for all the other surgeries. I loved him! The worst part, though, is waking up. See, I'm really nervous this time. I know it's very possible that there will be complications and I won't be able to hear. Waking up and not knowing how things went is terrifying. I'm dreading that so much. Last time, even though the result of the surgery was devastating, I felt much better just knowing what was going on the whole time. Of course, my surgeon is wonderful and he will tell me everything I want to know when I wake up, but I won't be coherent enough to understand. Knowing that had made me VERY scared instead of excited. The day after the appointment, I cried most of the day. If all goes well, I'll be able to hear immediately, but I won't know it because of the wonderful ear bubble. Fun times!

Obviously, being able to hear again is worth whatever it takes...but I am really bummed right now. :-( The past few months have been so challenging that it's tough to be optimistic. 

Progress

On Monday, I drove down to Newport Beach to have my left Esteem adjusted. Back in May, Envoy's West Coast audiologist recommended that I try having it reprogrammed with some new software they'd developed. I wasn't keen on the idea at first because I really didn't want to mess up the one working ear I still have, but I decided to try it since Gavyn and Brynna are coming to visit and I can't stand the thought of missing out on precious interaction with them!  I'm going to see Dr. Shohet next week, so I figured that the settings could always be changed back then if I don't like them. 

I know I rave about Shohet Ear Associates all the time, but I love that practice more every time I visit!  I've been seeing Sam, one of their newer audiologists and she is FANTASTIC!!! She  knows what she's doing with the Esteem and is not afraid to deviate from the norm to get better results. More importantly, she's VERY relational. For me, that's the most important. I actually enjoy going in for appointments with her. She's been so sweet and supportive via email even though I've been a train wreck the entire time she's known me. On Monday, she was the only doctor in the office, so she, MaryKay and I visited a lot. It's a rare blessing to have that kind of a relationship with medical professionals. I am so very thankful!

I LOVE the new settings! Sam knew I was very apprehensive so she only completely redid one setting (each Esteem has 3 settings: A, B, C, and multiple volume levels within the settings). When I had two good ears, I never changed settings but with one, I have to change things frequently. Background noise and road noise are killer. Previously, we had thought that my left Esteem was maxed out. My pre-implant hearing was at the low end of the range of hearing loss that the Esteem treats so I can't get as much volume as I would like in that ear. It's still much better than a hearing aid in volume and quality, though. However, Sam was somehow able to add 10 dB more volume in all 3 programs!!! It's making a HUGE difference! In fact, after the appointment, I went to the beach and could understand conversation over the roar of the waves. Then I went to play pool and could understand the music in the background. That's a big change!!! I don't feel quite so isolated or like I'm in a bubble. It's definite progress!!!:)

Next week, I'll see Dr. Shohet to find out about when we can get my right Esteem working again. I can't wait to feel normal again!! Until then, though, there is a lot of fun to be had with Gavyn and Brynna and VBS coming up!:)

I love having an excuse to visit the beach often :)

16 weeks post surgery 

My Version of a "Deaf" Community

I have VERY strong opinions about the Deaf community and culture. I'll refrain from sharing those now, but please contact me if you'd like to know why I am so opposed to the idea. I'd be glad to share. :)

On the other hand, I LOVE meeting others who also live the miracle of the Esteem every day. Last summer, I got to meet my friend Ashton. I was in Dallas, taking Gavyn and Brynna to the Great Wolf Lodge and she came to have breakfast with us. That was the first time I had ever met another implantee! There is a Facebook group for patients and I know a few others outside that group but it was great to actually meet someone else who has experienced this journey. Ashton had her second implant a few weeks ago and I was able to visit with her. Here are a few pictures of us standing in the ocean talking. That's a big deal! With hearing aids, the beach is a disaster. Sand gets in the microphone and tubing and water destroys them. How amazing that we are able to spend all afternoon on a beach talking. We each had one working ear and one completely deaf ear, but we were still able to communicate. We have so much to be thankful for!

Ironically, we are standing with our deaf ears facing each other. Not our smartest move, for sure!:)

The past 15 and a half weeks have been horrendous. The only people who can understand what I'm going through are other Esteem patients. Being able to talk with them is so encouraging. They validate what I'm feeling and actually get it in a way no one else can. I'm thankful for a community of people determined to overcome this disability and live life to the fullest!

Birthdays

I have a long post about isolation in the works, but a conversation with Brynna keeps running through my mind and I want to record it. :) Brynna is 5 and LOVES to plan things. When she turned 3, she gave each person in her life an order for what to bring to her party. Some brought a dress for her, someone else brought a cake, a spoon, candles, balloon, etc. She likes to plan events, particularly when her birthday is involved. :) Her birthday is December 17.  That's important information. :)

Last week, I was talking to her on the phone. The conversation went like this:

Brynna: "Hey for my birthday, maybe you could come visit me for four days. I haven't seen you in a very long time!"

Me: "I think we can arrange that!"

Brynna: "But....my birthday is in the winter. So you have to come in the summer, k? We need to go to Andy Alligator to go on the water slides and play the games!"

We went on to make plans for my birthday (her visiting me and sticking mybrother's  head in the toilet) and my dad's birthday (watching "the pow movie" aka Home Alone with "Pow" aka Kevin McAlister). She's a really funny kid! But what sticks out is that she wants ME to visit her in the summer so we can go to a water park. I HATED water parks as a kid. I remember going to one and sitting at picnic tables the whole time. I had to take my hearing aids out so I was miserable. Obviously, not enjoying water parks is not a huge deal in the grand scheme of life. Being able to create these memories with the kids IS a huge deal, though. The Esteem lets me do that. :) I am so thankful!

Brynna and me at Andy Alligator in July 2012. Sweet memories :)

And one of Gavyn because he's just adorable :)

Elaborating a Little

This past weekend, I got to do one of my very favorite things: present as an ambassador for Envoy. When the Estrem is being featured in a seminar near me, the wonderful folks at Envoy call and give me the opportunity to share my story. I LOVE IT!!!  Public speaking has become joyful since I can hear. This time, it was even more fun because the seminar was with my incredible surgeon, Dr. Shohet, AND Julie Higginson, the CEO of Envoy, was there. It was wonderful to meet her! I actually got to meet a lot of wonderful people who were so encouraging. It was so nice to be around people who understand what I'm going through and to actually feel like a part of something. When I can't hear, I feel like an outsider all the time. More on that later, though. :)  I tell my hearing story frequently to anyone who will listen, but it never gets old. Being able to talk to people who are struggling with hearing loss and help them realize that there is hope for a normal life brings me great joy! 

I have to brag on Envoy and Dr. Shohet for a minute. When I was asked to attend the seminar originally, I said yes, of course, but then it was cancelled. The day before the seminar, Amy from Envoy (who I am dying to meet!) called to tell me that they had more interest and decided to hold a smaller version, but she wanted to tell me so I wouldn't feel like I wasn't welcomed. How sweet is that?!?! Of course, I decided to go to the seminar since it's just a few hours away. We'll, I also warned Dr. Shohet to look at my incision and had been trying to schedule an appointment. Very graciously, he agreed to check it after the seminar, in a Saturday. What a blessing he is! When I arrived, Julie greeted me with a HUGE hug. I was floored. Not many CEOs are so personal. Dr. Shohet also showed me such kindness and warmth. I am so thankful for them both!

In his presentation on Sarurday, Dr. Shohet explained the effects of hearing loss. It was like he was inside my head! I'd like to elaborate a little bit on what he said and ass a few of my own areas of frustration. Some of my acquaintances can't understand why it is so difficult for me to lose an ear. Hopefully this will help!

Feeling dumb - One of the most frustrating aspects of hearing loss is feeling dumb or like others perceive me as being dumb. I can't follow conversations, so I cannot engage appropriately. I respond to hear I hear instead of what is actually said. For example, I was in a meeting a few weeks ago and our principal asked me, "What is the student's birthday?" I responded with, "She has a positive attitude and works really hard!" I thought she had asked, "What is the student's forte?" When that happens, which it does frequently, it's embarrassing. I know I don't come across as intelligent or capable, which really bothers me. 

Being rude - The desire to appear engaged and intelligent leads to the next problem. I know that I can't follow conversation and respond appropriately, so I spent most of my time trying to predict what other people are going to say and coming up with responses in my mind. Then I give those responses...usually before the other person is done talking. When I realize it later it's embarrassing AGAIN and I hate that I seem so rude. I do this OFTEN, but I don't realize it until much later. I spend a 

lot of time apologizing for being so rude. 

I also hate coming across as aloof or snobby. If you know me, you know that I am NOT either of those things.  I love to chat with people! However, if I don't know someone is talking to me, I can't respond. Last week, I was at a BBQ with some friends. Later, I received an email from someone apologizing for teasing me. I had no idea he had been talking to me, but he thought that I was not responding because I was upset with him. Yeah, it's no fun!

Frustration -All of the other things I'm describing are areas of frustration.  I HATE not following what's going on, but sometimes it's just functional situations. For example, I have to give reading assessments at work. That's TOUGH when I can't understand many speech sounds. My kids have to repeat themselves over and over. We're all frustrated. I can't order in restaurants because I can't understand the waiters!

Paranoia- I thought this was just me until Dr. Shohet talked about it on Saturday. When I can't hear, I think no one likes me. I spent most of my life feeling that way, even wondering if I was autistic because I never fit in. See, I had to watch everyone around me interact but I was ALWAYS an outside (and am again now!). That led to me thinking that everyone must be talking about me or trying to exclude me. Fortunately, I know now that no one was TRYING to exclude me and it was all in my imagination, but I still find myself slipping into that mindset now. 

Feeling lost - On Monday, I went to dinner with some coworkers, Melissa, Karla and Carlos. When we got to the restaurant, Melissa said that Carlos was coming but Carlos wasn't responding to her texts.  Except she actually  said Karla was coming and Carlos wasn't responding. I spent a long time trying to figure out what was going on all because I couldn't distinguish the word endings. This is jus one instance. I feel like the world is spinning around me and I can't figure anything out. It's no fun. 

Exhaustion - When I can't hear, I spend ALL of my energetic tying to. I'm exhausted. Simple tasks like phone calls wear me out. After a day in the classroom, I'm super grouchy and worn out. But I can't unwind enough to sleep. It's pretty darn miserable!

The absolute worst part of hearing loss is isolation, but that deserves its own post. I am so thankful that my hearing loss is temporary this time!

A few happy pictures...

The amazing Dr. Shohet and Marcia Weiss, another Esteem recipient

Megan, my first Esteem audiologist and very precious friend!!

Life, Interrupted

Yesterday, I read a quote from C.S. Lewis. Well, it was the quote from my "C.S. Lewis Quote of the Day" app, but it was particularly fantastic nonetheless. 

My life is being very uncomfortably interrupted right now and I hate it. Oddly enough, it feels like my life didn't really begin until two years ago, when I could hear and finally became ME. For the first time, the insane anxiety and loneliness and fear weren't the dominating factors in my life. It was incredible. Now...that life that I had come to love is on hold. It's miserable. I hate feeling so blah all the time. It's like I'm in a bubble. Life is going on all around me but I'm not a part of anything. Even when I'm doing things I enjoy, I'm not fully present. I can't figure out how to be me while I can't hear. I despise it. Every day passed is another one crossed off the list. That's really how I view life right now. The last week has been particularly awful because a sinus infection and congestion have left me with even worse hearing and/or feedback (whistling) from my one working ear. Fun times. 

But that's not appropriate. As much as I despise it, God has allowed this difficulty. I know He will work it for good because He promises to, but it sure doesn't feel good right now. Reading this quote was kind of a kick in the pants. No, things are not good now. I'm very limited in what I can do and I can't enjoy things like I normally do, but that's not an excuse. I still have to put on a happy face and try to make the best of this time. It's tough but that's where grace comes in.  I really need that grace right now. 

On the bright side, my incision is healing REALLY well. Tomorrow marks 11 weeks since surgery. I think it looks great! I'm almost to the halfway mark. 

Because I Can

Last week was incredible!! I've been so down and discouraged because I HATE being deaf. I'm tired and cranky and not myself at all. BUT I had already planned a trip to Nashville for my spring break and decided to go anyway. I'm so glad I did!!

I love Nashville. Lots of my favorite people love there and another one met me there last week. It was so refreshing to see people who I love and who were so understanding. It wasn't nearly as stressful as I had anticipated. In fact, I spent most of the week with one person who handled all of this with such ease that I could actually relax. It was a relief to know that I didn't have to be on guard all the time. I feel so much better after having a break!

The highlight of the week for me was SKYDIVING!!!!! I was not a daredevil before I could hear but now I want to do EVERYTHING I couldn't do before...just because I can. :) I checked with Envoy to make sure that my Esteem would not be affected before jumping, of course. It was incredible!!! It was nothing like I expected but I loved every second. The full video is on my Facebook page. 

Another highlight was seeing Nickel Creek at the Ryman on Friday night. I actually cried because it was such a relief to hear the music and enjoy it. Right now, it feels like a lot of things I enjoy have been taken away from me. Thankfully, music has not. 

Last week was a wonderful day of sunshine in a very stormy period of life...and I am very thankful for the reprieve!!

Unexpected Blessing

When I began looking into the Esteem in October of 2011, I had a hard time getting information from Envoy. The management of the company is wonderful now, but at that time, it was not easy to work with the company. Fortunately, Google led me to the website of Shohet Ear Associates and another surgeon in Northern California who, at the time, performed the surgery. I had a choice between two well respected surgeons who had both been implanting Esteems since the clinical trials and were located equal distances from my home. The deciding factors for me were two people: MaryKay and Megan. 

MaryKay is Dr. Shohet's office manager. She has to be the sweetest person God ever made. When I called the office looking for information, she called back immediately and put me at ease. She was knowledgeable and caring, an absolute wealth of information with a genuinely loving demeanor. She instructed me to send an audiogram for Dr. Shohet to review, which I did that same day (Oct. 13).

The very next night, an Orange County number appeared on my caller ID. It was Dr. Shohet, calling at 7:15 on a Friday night. I remember thinking he was very friendly and loving that he had done his residency in Nashville (where I went to college).  After he told me that my audiogram numbers were in the "sweet spot" for the Esteem, I really didn't care how kind he was, though. I had researched him enough to trust his surgical expertise. 

From that point on, I talked to MaryKay often. Every single time, she put my fears to rest. She navigated the insurance nightmare, helped me when the imaging center lost my CT records, worked appointments around my teaching schedule and encouraged me that this would be life changing. I thought, at that point, that I would only see the surgeon a few times, but the office staff and audiologist would be in frequent communication. MaryKay was enough of a reason for me to choose Shohet Ear Associates for my surgery. 

As I said earlier, there have been many POSITIVE changes at Envoy over the last few years. One of those changes is that activations and adjustments are done by audiologists now. At the time of my surgery, Envoy sent technicians to surgeon's offices to perform those tasks. An audiologist is a highly educated hearing health professional. They are trained in the science and psychology of hearing (and hearing loss). Technicians or engineers were trained in how to operate the Esteem. Obviously, that's an important task, but I wanted an audiologist to do all of my programming. They understand hearing. Dr. Shohet's office offered that option. On Dec. 19, 2011, I went for pre-op testing and met Megan. We connected immediately. Before my surgeries, it was really rare for me to connect with people, but Megan is wonderful. She told me that she figured I would hate hearing tests so she'd try to make it fun AND she gave me coffee. Coffee is my love language. Throughout the whole process of my first surgery, she was always there for me. She gave me her cell phone number and even met me in the office on a Saturday once...on her birthday. She left the practice right before my second surgery and it was devastating for me. She is absolutely the best audiologist I've ever worked with. She has been (and continues to be) a tremendous blessing to me. Even though she is no longer working with Dr. Shohet, she has been in touch through this latest ordeal and has given me great advice. After meeting her, I had no doubt that I wanted the surgery and I wanted Dr. Shohet to be my surgeon and Megan to be my audiologist. 

After Megan left, I started seeing Arineh for adjustments. She is as sweet as sweet can be. She's personable and warm and puts up with my chattiness at appointments. She even let my friend Joshua wear headphones to hear what I heard during a hearing test once. I was very thankful to have such am encouraging and sweet person who I genuinely liked handling my hearing. 

I mistakenly thought that the only thing that mattered in choosing a surgeon was his surgical expertise. I knew Dr. Shohet had that. When I met him, I knew he was very nice. Funny thing: my mom absolutely loved him before I did. At my pre-op appointment, I wouldn't let her go into the exam room with me, but Dr. Shohet asked her to come in after the exam so he could answer any of her questions. I was 26.  That's the kind of doctor he is. I really thought that I would only see him a couple times then again in 5 years for a battery change, so his personality wouldn't make a difference. Was I ever wrong! I liked Dr. Shohet from the beginning, of course. The man made it possible for me to hear. He's my hero and I owe him an incredible debt of gratitude. It wasn't until these complications began that I realized how amazing he really is. In December, when I had the minor procedure to move the implant back into place, he was very patient with me, constantly reassuring me that he would not remove the implant and everything would be fine. He or MaryKay called me every day for two weeks to check on me after that surgery. Seriously! This is not your average surgeon. He travels all over the world to teach other surgeons how to perform complicated surgeries, but he still makes time to call patients personally. That's unheard of!  When the skin opened last month, it was a Saturday morning. I had to call the emergency number and he called back within 10 minutes. All day that day, he took my calls or responded to my emails immediately. I was a wreck. I couldn't stop crying. I had never been so inconsolable or out of control and he was so calm and caring. He even called the next afternoon just to see how I was feeling emotionally. That makes a world of difference. 

The next Tuesday, I went to see Dr. Shohet before surgery to remove the battery. I fell apart. Most of you reading this know me and probably can't picture it, but I was a mess - crying, screaming, shaking, throwing up, it was ugly. I completely lost control. Losing the Esteem is my worst nightmare and it was coming true. Looking back, I am so embarrassed. It was really awful. The entire staff was wonderful, though. MaryKay hugged me over and over. Chelsea stopped to tell my mom how sorry she was. Sam, one of the audiologists, was brave enough to adjust my Esteem that afternoon. I'd never met her before. She must have been terrified to deal with this crazy girl but she was fantastic. She was calm and fixed the problem I had been having, reassuring me that she would be with me through all of this. She told me, "It's okay to cuss in here. This is really awful."  I liked her right away. :) It was the first time that week that someone didn't give me an annoying platitude. She got it.  That whole week, MaryKay was in touch frequently. She would email or call just to check on me or encourage me. She got my mom's cell phone number and called her to see how I was doing. She is amazing. 

Life had been tough since surgery. The day of surgery was absolutely terrible. If not for the nurses, the anesthesiologist and Dr. Shohet, it would have been unbearable. Horrible as it sounds, knowing that my surgeon actually felt my pain that day helped. I wasn't alone. Someone understood how painful this is for me. Now, I'm glad that he's an otological genius, but I'm more thankful that he's a compassionate and genuinely kind man. He has emailed me to say that he's in this with me. Who does that?!  MaryKay has emailed me encouraging verses and told me that she's praying for me. Sam has tried everything imaginable to help me hear better. Arineh sends the sweetest emails, encouraging me and offering to talk if I need it. What an incredible team!

I knew I would need a support system for this time.  I expected my family and friends and coworkers to be wonderful. They have been. I know I'm loved and have a whole network of people who would do anything possible to help me. I did not expect my surgeon's office to be part or that support system. I knew I could count on them for top quality medical care, but in this season, when nothing medical or audiological can be done, the emotional support and genuine concern for me as a person (not just a case or a problem) has blown me away. What a spectacular unexpected blessing!

Value

I bought a new car yesterday and I love it. It's adorable and sporty and red. Seven years ago, I bought a light green SUV. I didn't want to draw attention to myself at all. Post-implant me just wants to have FUN! :)

Obviously, cars are not cheap. The cost of this car was just a little less than the cost of an Esteem. Now, I was very fortunate that my insurance covered most of my Esteem surgeries. However, signing paper work for the car yesterday made me think about that. So many people won't get the Esteem because "it's too expensive." Then they'll drop $40 grand on a car without thinking twice. Yes, cars are necessary and I understand that...but a car is not going to change your life. It won't give you the ability to relax and actually ENJOY life. How can you place a value on that?!? It's absolutely priceless. Having had 2 Esteems and now living without one, I can tell you that. I'd pay anything to be able to hear with both ears again. It makes me so sad that people are willing to stay trapped in that deaf bubble just because of money. It's worth every penny. In fact, at activation for my first implant, my daddy said that to my mom. He had his ipad covering his face and spoke quietly to my mom. He said, "This was worth every penny!" and I HEARD IT.  He was right. Don't let money keep you from experiencing life. 

Normal

I've survived 4 weeks missing one Esteem now and that's exactly what life has been - survival. I'm exhausted from the constant strain of working to hear. Every night, I get in bed and feel thankful that I made it through one more day but then I have to get up and do it again. 

I'm NOT me. It feels weird to say that. I spent 26 years without hearing. That should be normal, right? It's not. In the 2 years since my first implant, I've come alive. I'm not reserved or shy or nervous anymore. I ENJOY life instead of feeling anxious all the time. It's remarkable. I never dreamed that my hearing loss was dictating my personality. It's ironic because the deaf community is adamantly opposed to surgically treating hearing loss because they say being deaf is a crucial part of who we are as people. I'm living proof that it's not. Getting hearing implants didn't take away any part of me. It was the opposite: It allowed me to find out who I am. I'm not shy or reserved or pessimistic. I'm bubbly and cheerful and outgoing. I never knew that because being deaf kept me so isolated. Now, even with one implant, I don't feel like me. I miss that cheerful spirit and endless energy. One of my coworkers actually commented last week, "You're just not you now." She's right.  

How incredible is it that after 2 years of hearing (compared to 26 years of not hearing), the hearing is "normal "?!? I can't believe how good God is to allow me to experience this miracle. Tomorrow marks 2 years since my first surgery. Two years ago, I didn't know what this roller coaster would bring. I was hoping for hearing like I had with a hearing aid, but I got so much more...immeasurably more than I could have asked or imagined. 

Something Good

After a month of constant disappointment, I finally have something positive to say! Like I've said before, social situations are the most stressful for me right now. I have great quality hearing in my implanted ear, but it's very hard to filter through background noise. As a result, I get very anxious and HATE being in crowds. Unfortunately, the Bi-CROS system didn't help. I did order a PocketTalker, which is kind of like an FM system, which came in today. It has a microphone that picks up sound right by wherever the device is sitting. I figured it was worth a try. 

 Tonight, my friend Lauren, who is visiting from WA, texted me to say she and a few other friends were going to In-n-Out and a concert at a local wine lounge. I didn't want to go. In-n-Out has terrible acoustics because of the time floors and tile walls. And a concert? I LOVE concerts and was dreading finding out I couldn't enjoy them for 6 months. I really wanted to see Lauren, though...so I went. 

In-n-Out was tough at first BUT the PocketTalker worked! I could hear my friends at the table but without amplifying the background noise like a hearing aid. Then the concert...for the first time in 3 LONG, miserable weeks, I felt normal. I couldn't talk to anyone else but the music sounded fantastic. It really wasn't much different than with two implants. I sat and cried through the show from pure gratitude. It was a wonderful reprieve  

As challenging as this time is, it does NOT negate the fact that the Esteem is a miracle. I'm even more grateful for it now than I was before. Tonight reminded me of how much I enjoy life when I can hear. It's so different and so wonderful. I can't wait to have that again!

Ten percent done!

Today is day 18. That's 10% of 6 months. The last two weeks have been...well, nightmarish. I knew it was going to be bad, but I didn't think it would be this bad. The Esteem has completely changed my life. I knew that, of course, but I didn't realize just how much until now. Logically, I know I can do this. I did it for 26 years and I was fine. It's so hard now, though. I know what I'm missing. I realize that feeling so isolated and like I never fit in isn't ME; it's being deaf. All my life, I thought I was a recluse but that's just hearing loss. The worst part of all of this is that I've slipped right back into that insecure, anxious mentality. I feel lost all the time, like I am in a bubble. I HATE it. 

I never made friends easily before the Esteem. I didn't feel like anyone liked me. Now I realize that's because of the communication barrier that always existed. In January, I had the opportunity to meet some wonderful new friends. I spent very limited amounts of time with them but I felt like I belonged. That's so new for me. This is an excerpt from a sweet email from one of those new friends...

She's talking about me. For real. :) I've never been the type to attract people (other than really creepy guys, of course). That's the miracle of the Esteem. That's what I miss. It was incredible to not feel isolated all the time. Being thrown back into that is torture. 

Surprisingly, work is the easiest thing right now. My kids are great. They know everything that's going on and are fascinated. :) Today, one of them cheered because my "owie is gone." :) It's frustrating for all of us when I can't understand them, but it's nothing compared to other situations. Church is the worst. I hate that I can't talk to people. I try but I can't understand. I feel like an idiot because I respond to what I think I hear, which is not usually what the person actually said. :) 

My friends and family have been wonderful. My mom is using her court reporting skills to caption Sunday school for me and her friend Lesia has offered to remotely caption anything i need. My daddy has adjusted the sound system at church to allow me to use an in-ear and sing. On Sunday night, that device died while I was on stage. It was tough. When I sat down, I couldn't help crying. A sweet little girl sitting behind me came up to hug me in the middle of the service. How precious is that?!?  I feel very loved and very lonely at the same time. The blessing in all of this is that I know how to explain what I'm feeling now. I know it's not me and that I'm not really an outsider. It's my hearing loss. For the first 26 years of my life, I thought I was just that weird and no one liked me. Imagine watching people talk and laugh and never knowing what they're saying or laughing about. Being deaf means you are always an outsider. That's the cruel truth of hearing loss. 

I went to see my incredible surgeon yesterday. I thank God for him every day. See the clip from an email he sent me below. I've never known a doctor to be so invested in his patients. It makes ALL the difference.  He says things look great. I feel fantastic physically. There's no pain, swelling or bleeding at all. I was also fitted with a BI-CROS hearing aid system. I'm wearing 2 BTE hearing aids but the right one is essentially just a microphone. It picks up sound on the right side and transmits it to the left aid. It also amplifies, which is helpful because my left ear still has a mild-moderate hearing loss even with the Esteem.  I was hopeful that this would help, but...well, it's a hearing aid and it sounds like it. So far, I'm finding that one Esteem is much better than any kind of hearing aid. 

That's the amazing thing. The Esteem is worth all of this. There was never a day that passed that I wasn't on my knees thanking God for this miracle when I had 2 working devices. Believe it or not, this has served to make me even more thankful. I don't know how I managed to survive with hearing aids for so long. They're horrible! One Esteem and one deaf ear is far better than 2 top-notch hearing aids. It's a whole new life for me...and I miss that life. 

Incision site today...

On a side note, I received a VERY nasty email after my last blog. I don't mean to insult or offend anyone, but I am honest. I am NOT a member of the deaf community. I will refrain from sharing my (strong) feelings about that, but please know that I actually live with hearing loss every day. Unless you've done it, you can't understand. I pray that you never have to understand. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Until I gained hearing, I didn't know how hard it is to be deaf. So please refrain from telling me about how lots of deaf people are happy. It really doesn't help. The grace of my Savior is sustaining...but this is hard. It hurts and it's awful and I do not appreciate being told that I shouldn't feel this way. 

Surgery #4

Pre-surgery selfie!

As disheartening as the results of this surgery are for me, the surgery itself went really well.  I knew I was pretty emotionally fragile so I wanted to go by myself for all the pre-op stuff.  Thank God (seriously!), I had the same pre-op nurses and anesthesiologist as the last surgery.  They are all WONDERFUL.  One nurse and the anesthesiologist have been with me in all four surgeries.  Having them there made this ordeal so much easier.  I remember before my first surgery, the anesthesiologist (who said to call him Chris) came in with a cup of coffee, joking around and put me at ease.  He's been like that for every surgery.  You should know that surgery doesn't scare me.  I don't get nervous and I'm usually pretty entertaining, especially once they start the happy juice.  This time was different because I was very subdued (though not nervous.  Trusting my doctor completely takes away the nerves), but Lois (the nurse) and Chris were wonderful.  I remember at one point saying, through tears, "I know you're trying to make me laugh and I really appreciate it even though I can't laugh right now!"  It makes all the difference to have such sweet people there.  

I sincerely hope that NO ONE ever has to undergo this ordeal, but just in case, here's the rundown.  Dr.  Shohet said to take two pain pills before surgery because I did not want to be under general anesthesia or even sedated.  I took those and life suddenly didn't seem so bad. :)  We got to the surgery center at 8:30, filled out the paperwork and waited an hour before they called me back.  Surgery was scheduled for 9:30 but didn't actually start until 11:00.  The nurses, Lois and Karen, were wonderful.  They kept bringing me warm blankets and checking in on me.  Somehow, I stayed calm.  I really don't know how.  After an hour or so of waiting, Dr. Shohet came in and that's when I started crying.  He is SO wonderful and patient and sweet.  I know he really did not want to put me through this.  He explained EVERYTHING to me and we discussed anesthesia.  Even though I know I really didn't have a say in the matter, he made me feel like I did (If you read this, thanks for that, Dr. Shohet!) He stayed and talked with me for quite a while.  After that, Chris came in and was also wonderful.  He was also so genuinely apologetic and caring.  That REALLY makes a difference.  I didn't feel like a number or a problem; they made me feel like they care about ME and hurt with me.  They even let me take a box of tissues into surgery. :)  Chris wheeled me into the OR himself and talked the whole time, which seriously helped. Once we got in the OR, he took me phone and snapped some pics.  See what I mean?  He's awesome.  

I was sedated for part of the surgery (and Chris said I could have a 6 month supply of Versed to get me through until my implant is on again.  I'm still waiting on that…) but I remember some of it.  My face was covered (unfortunately) so I couldn't see anything, but everyone in the OR was super sweet and they talked to me the whole time.  Of course, as soon as the battery was removed, I couldn't understand anything.  That…well, that sucked.  I do remember Dr. Shohet telling me that there was no infection and explaining sutures and someone asking me about what grade I teach.  I was really surprised that the tugging and stitching wasn't uncomfortable.  I could feel it, but it wasn't uncomfortable at all.  

I started crying again when people started asking me questions after surgery and I couldn't understand them.  It was just so heartbreaking.  My post-op nurse was wonderful, too.  She offered to sit with me and talk, but I really wanted to be alone so she let me be.  Dr. Shohet came to check on me and his reaction was so kind it makes me cry just thinking about it.  He told me how everything went and asked if I was in pain.  When I said no, he held his hand to his chest and said, "Just here?"  It was so strangely comforting to know that he understands.  Later, my mom told me that he told her, "You and I can't possibly understand what she's going through right now."  He also told her that he can see the difference in my personality from when we started this journey.  Right now, having my feelings validated is very important.  Knowing that my surgeon CARES and tries to understand is touching.  Chris came back to see me again as well and was also so caring.  Because I'm such a relational person, I have to feel connected to people who are taking care of me.  Those two made it clear that they care about me, not just as a case, but as a person…it wasn't just my skin or the implant, but ME that they were concerned about.  That speaks volumes.  When Mom and I were leaving the surgery center, they were both standing outside and stopped to talk to us.  I don't remember what they said, but I do remember thinking, "As awful as this situation is and despite how horrible I feel right now, I am so blessed by these two men."  Prospective Esteem patients, you could not be in better hands than those of Jack Shohet.

The drive home was miserable.  Stop and go traffic is HORRIBLE with that stupid ear bubble.  We finally made it home and Mom has stayed with me since then.  I have felt really good overall, but I got really sick during the night last night.  It's only been one day and I'm already bored out of my mind and desperate for contact with people.  I feel good overall.  I'm swollen and sore, but good.  I miss hearing so much.  When I got my first Esteem (the one that is still on), I couldn't believe how clear everything sounded.  Now, I can't believe I was impressed by one!  If anything, this horrific 6 month ordeal will make me even more grateful for this miracle.  

My sweet friend Philip sent these beautiful yellow flowers on Wednesday.  How sweet is that?!?!  I was so touched!!  Envoy Medical's CEO sent the other flowers today.  When I got my first implant, I was NOT impressed with Envoy.  The company was horrible to deal with.  Over the past two years, they've made some major changes and it's a completely different feel.  The CEO sent me flowers!  What kind of company does that??  Once again, it is so nice to be cared for as a person.  I don't feel like a number or random case.  One of Envoy's employees (Amy) is also dually implanted and she has been in touch with me a lot through this.  I think all of my Esteem friends are horrified at the thought that this could happen to any of us.  Amy has been in touch with Envoy's audiologists and they're trying to come up with some kind of short-term solution to get me some kind of help.  Conventional hearing aids are not an option because the bones of the middle ear are not connected, meaning sound cannot get to the cochlea.  BAHAs aren't strong enough for me to enhance the bone conduction hearing that I still have.  There are a few other options, apparently, and Envoy is trying to figure out something.  I'm very thankful for their concern!

One day down…way too many to go!

Rambling

Surgery is a few hours away. I'm not planning to post this until later but I need to write all of this. My support network has been amazing through all of this. You don't know how much every single text or message has meant. I'm not up to taking about it and please don't try to hug me because I will fall apart. But I appreciate written communication so so so much. That will be my primary means if socialization for 6 long, dark months. This is literally the second time that this has ever happened. No one I know has seen someone go through this situation. It's "like" some other hard things in life, but it's also very unique. There's no way I can make anyone understand but let me try to clarify a few things. 

The implant works. It works PERFECTLY. I'm not in pain. There is no sign of infection. The problem is that the skin around it broke. I think it's because my glasses constantly rub on it. My surgeon thinks the skin is damaged from when the implant moved before and because I'm thin skinned (he means literally, I think figuratively). Because he's brilliant and I trust him, I'm doing what he says. Listen to this part, though: if I wanted to, I could have the device completely explanted. They could reconstruct my middle ear and I could wear a hearing aid. But I'm not doing that. The Esteem is WORTH six months of pure hell and another surgery to reattach the battery. It's absolutely worth it. 

I'm not anxious about surgery. That's NOTHING. In fact, I'm planning to be awake and not even sedated. The horror here is six months of total deafness in my good ear. It's going back to the way life was before this miracle. Now that I know what life can be like, I can't imagine how painful it will be to go back to that. 

So will I get through this? Yep. Don't have any other option. Believe me, I've tried to find it. I'd like to be out in a medically induced coma until I can hear again but I don't think the dr would agree to that. This isn't going to kill me. But that's what makes it hard. For some reason (mostly what the deaf community says), people think hearing loss is no big deal. We can still function. It's not like being blind or losing a limb. And you're right...it's not. But it's horrible. The worst part of hearing loss is isolation. And WE DO NOT CHOOSE TO ISOLATE OURSELVES. I'm going to punch the next person who says that. Whether we stay home or force ourselves to socialize, we are alone. With other people, we are completely lost and confused all the time. We don't fit in at all and we know it. But despite all of that, life goes oh. We don't get a reprieve. I was talking with another Esteem recipient about this and she pointed our that if I had been in an accident or had a surgery with a long recovery, people would be lining up to help and I would not have to face normal life while I recovered. Exactly. In this case, that doesn't happen. My friends and family are wonderful. They want to help. But they can't. They can be there for me but sometimes that's harder. It's just so isolating. I have to keep living life during this time. It's just hard.

My favorite thing people say is, "It's just six months."  JUST?!?!? Cut off your arm for six months. It's JUST six months. Of course that includes the entire summer...the time when I am most thankful for hearing. I also love, "it's just one ear. The other one works." You've got two arms, too. Why would you need both? 

I get that only one other person on the planet has gone through this so no one can relate. My Esteem friends are fantastic. They're horrified. They get it. They know what it's like to be deaf and get hearing and CAN imagine how awful it would be to lose it. I know everyone wants to help and I appreciate it. I really really do. So here are ways to help a deaf person. 

1) Communicate. I won't be good in groups or public settings but I would LOVE for you to come to my house and hang out. A text can totally change my day. It doesn't have to be much. Just say hi or ask how I'm doing or tell me something funny. Keep me in the loop. I was great at being deaf before but now I know what I'm missing. So keep me updated. 

2) Be patient. Constantly asking everyone to repeat themselves sucks WAY more than having to repeat yourself. Trust me. If I'm clingy, give me grace. I feel so lost in crowds that I find someone I know and cling. I know I do it but I can't figure out a better solution. Be patient. 

3) Lighten up. I want to laugh. I told my students that they could have a candy every time they made me laugh. I NEED that. 

4) Don't disappear. You don't know what to say? That's fine. Say hi. Tell me how your day went. I don't need something profound. I just want to be included. Stay in my life even though I'm not myself for a very long 6 months. That's what all deaf people want. We just want to fit in and feel included but our disability prevents that. 

I'm going to need a lot of support in the next 6 months. I don't need help with everyday tasks because my body is fine but my emotions aren't. I need people, really. That's how you can help. 

Thoughts

Writing a blog post a few hours before my greatest nightmare comes true is probably not wise...but here goes. 

The last week has been the worst of my life and the bad part hasn't even started. That sounds dramatic and I've been told that I'm bring dramatic. It that's the case, I think I have that right. You see, I was deaf for 26 years. I didn't know any different and I made the best of it. I thought hearing aids gave me a normal life and I was thankful for that. But I was so, so wrong. 

When I got my first implant and realized how much I had been missing, I realized just how difficult life was when I was deaf. I was isolated and withdrawn. I missed out on so many things. If I try to name them all, I'll fall apart. I am SO THANKFUL for this miracle. Other than Jesus, it's the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. 

I've made it my mission to glorify God and praise Him for this. I know that "every good and perfect gift" comes from Him. He blessed me beyond measure with this and I praised Him. 

But now He's taking it away. I don't believe that God causes bad things to happen but I do know that He could stop this. But He's not. It feels so cruel. So unjust. Really, it's just downright mean. Why let me taste of how incredible life can be just to force me back to the way it was before? It's not right and I am hurting.

But God is good. He is good when this life is unbearably hard. He is good when I've cried until I can't cry any longer. He is good when the fear of the isolation that I know is coming (I've done this before, remember?) is so overwhelming I can't breathe. He is good. I don't understand. I want answers. But I know that my Father is good. 

"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job 1:21 ESV)