The Negative

The Esteem has been nothing short of miraculous.  It is wonderful and life changing and unbelievable.  I could ramble on for hours about the amazing ways it has affected me for good. 

But I want to be honest on here.  There are some definitely negatives to this experience.  Of course, the expense and the pain of surgery and the adjustment period are big downsides and I expected those.  There have been a few other negatives that I didn't expect, though.  Let's elaborate...

1) Sensory overload - With my first Esteem, I didn't get too much of this.  The adjustment was smooth and healing was fast.  The second go round has been a completely different story.  I think the ear is FINALLY starting to heal and suddenly things are LOUD.  I mean, REALLY LOUD.  I don't have the right Esteem on full volume but some days, it is so loud, I can barely stand it.  Being in Oklahoma this week has set my allergies off like crazy which means some days are good hearing days and some are bad.  Today was a good hearing day........but then we went to a BBQ.  Everything was so loud and overwhelming I wanted to crawl into a hole.  Unfortunately, I only knew a few people there, so I didn't have familiar voices and there was so much noise, I couldn't stand it.  I tried plugging my ears and turning my Esteems down, but nothing worked.  I got a horrible headache within 15 minutes and was actually nauseated just from the sensory overload.  It was NOT fun.  Obviously, when I think about it rationally, I'm amazed that I can hear all of those sounds and that anything can be loud enough for me to feel overwhelmed by sound, but at the time, it was miserable.  I didn't expect that, especially not 7 months after my second surgery.

2) Personality changes and social changes

This one is complicated.  I like studying personalities and knowing my "types."  Before my surgeries, I was VERY introverted.  I thought that was my personality, but it turns out that I found it draining to be around people because HEARING required so much energy.  Now, I'm an ENFJ.  Look it up.  It's totally me.  Adjusting to be extroverted has been really, really hard, though.  I really did not enjoy being around people before my Esteems so I have a very small circle of friends.  Now I want to be around people ALL.THE.TIME but it's hard to make more friends as a grown up.  I also have the social skills of a deaf person.  No offense intended, but it's really challenging to socialize when you can't hear...and it's really hard to overcome that later in life.  Part of being deaf is knowing that you don't really fit in.  You can't hear what people are saying, so you miss out on a lot of conversation and IT SUCKS.  It really was the worst part of hearing loss for me.  I had enough hearing to know I was missing out on something, but felt ostracized most of the time.  It's not because my friends were jerks; I just knew that I couldn't follow the conversations and was always left out.  That's not the case anymore, but learning to make new friendships and overcome the crazy fear of being excluded and rejected has been REALLY, REALLY challenging.  I definitely did not expect overwhelming loneliness to be part of this Esteem journey, but it is.  Before all of this, I needed alone time because people were exhausting.  Now, alone time is lonely and that is just no fun at all. 


Please know that the incredible joy this journey has brought me and the amazing freedom outweigh ALL the negative a million times over.  It's been surreal and magnificent...I read Fancy Nancy today and the adjectives are sticking apparently. :)  I do want to be 100% honest, though.  Lots of people read this from all over the world (which is crazy to me...but welcome, y'all!) and you need to know what you're in for with the Esteem.  It's not all sunshine and roses and smiley faces.  It is the most incredible experience I've ever had, though, and I thank God for this blessing every day.

Freedom

I started this post last week while I was in New York and have soooo much more to add from this week!  Let me preface it by saying this: I got the Esteem for ONE reason.  I wanted the freedom to do things without dealing with hearing aids (water parks, traveling with people, swimming, listening to music in the shower, etc.).  I did not expect to get better hearing than I had with hearing aids (though I did get that).  This post is all about how much freedom the Esteem has given me!

From last week:

As dramatic as it may sound, the Esteem has really given me a new lease on life.  It’s been a 14 months since my first activation and I feel like a completely different person in so many ways.  I’ve always been an active girl, ready to try new things and go new places, but only if I was with someone with whom I felt comfortable.  You see, when you can’t hear, it’s really scary to be somewhere new.  Think about all of the times you have to hear instructions or information.  When I was 14, my family went to Hawaii and we had a BLAST on a tour through the rain forest.  It was awesome, but I would never, ever, ever have been able to go on a group tour without someone I know.  I never wanted to go beach camping because water meant taking my hearing aids out and that was miserable.  The anxiety that comes with not hearing is pretty intense.  Of course, I never realized that was WHY I felt so uncomfortable and scared in new situations without a familiar person.  I thought that was just me. 

            Yesterday, I was in Niagara Falls.  I had been in New York for a conference so I decided to drive over and see the falls.  I had planned on going by myself (that wasn’t scary) but got talked into doing a tour…and LOVED IT.  I was on a bus with 20 people I had never met before and somehow became the social butterfly of the group.  Shocking, right?!?!  I also managed to get hit on by a 60-year-old…those of you who know my tendencies in dating are not surprised by that, I’m sure!  All of that aside, after a few hours of talking to these complete strangers and even posing for pictures with them (really!), it hit me.  I would never have been able to do that before.  What I thought was just a natural shyness was really due to my hearing loss.  My eyes are filling with tears as I type this.  What an amazing gift God has given me!

 Tonight:

This week, I've been in Oklahoma with my darling little Gavyn and Brynna.  I have to upload all of the pictures when I get home and I'll edit this post to show some, but here's the big news: We went to a water park for two days.  We stayed at the Great Wolf Lodge in Dallas, which has a huge indoor water park.  First off, we stayed in a hotel.  That is a crazy experience for me.  How do y'all sleep in hotels when you can't turn your ears down??  It is LOUD!  Next, I stayed in a hotel WITH PEOPLE and didn't have a panic attack once.  I hated being with people overnight when I wore hearing aids.  Once I took them out, I was completely cut off from everyone.  It was miserable.  Now, it's not. :)  Then...the water park!  We spent hours playing in the water, taking silly pictures of ourselves under water and going on water slides.  I got to do it...all of it...and enjoy it.  I wasn't freaking out about not hearing the kids or feeling left out of everything.  It was just normal and fun.  Normal and fun is kinda what I was hoping for. :)

While we were in Dallas, I finally got to meet Ashton, another Esteem recipient.  Believe it or not, I had never met another person who has an Esteem in real life.  I used to be part of a support group on Facebook but left that because of some nastiness toward other people.  It was awesome to finally meet someone!  Of course, Brynna had to be in on the action, so Ashton had more of an adventure than she'd planned for - haha! :)  

This week has been BUSY.  Of course, if you know me, you're not surprised. :)  I like to be on the go constantly.  The big hearing related fun has been our "camp outs."  Gavyn (6) & Brynna (4) want to have camp outs every night.  This was NOT an option when I wore hearing aids.  Needless to say, we've had a camp out every night this week. :)  We pile onto an air mattress or one of their (twin size...) beds and watch movies and giggle until they fall asleep.  I'm supposed to be "camping out" right now but I couldn't sleep.  No one tell Brynna I got out of bed.  She ordered me to stay in bed until she wakes up! :)  

Going to a water park or having sleep-overs with my niece and nephew may not seem like a big deal, but to me, this is HUGE.  I would have been so stressed by both of those things before my surgeries.  It really is the little things in life that matter and the Esteem gives me the freedom to enjoy those little things!