Paranoia

Life is GRAND with two working ears. It's been a little over a month since my last surgery and I feel fantastic. There is very little pain at the implant site and it only occurs when I touch it. I am so blessed and so thankful. 

The only problem is paranoia. Is it possible to get PTSD from medical stuff?? For the last few weeks, I've been waking up in the middle of nightmares in which I am sitting in my surgeon's office being told he's going to have to remove the device again. That was a horrific nightmare when it actually happened and I do NOT enjoy the recurring nightmares now.  I check the incision at least 5 times a day. If you are in the medical field and I know you in real life, I've asked you to look at it, too. I'm still applying neosporin twice a day, which is only required for 5 days post op. I only wash my hair every other day to avoid any unnecessary pressure and/or water. I've considered driving 3 hours JUST so my surgeon can look at the incision...even though he told me it looked great 2 weeks ago. I actually wish my hair weren't growing back so fast so I could see the incision.  I am PARANOID. 

Isn't it great to have something so wonderful that the thought of losing it makes me paranoid? I am so thankful. I never thought it would be possible to be MORE grateful for my Esteems...but I am. I can enjoy life when I can hear. This is an amazing work of God. 

MaryKay

It's no secret that I absolutely love Shohet Ear Associates. The people there are wonderful, both in their professional abilities and in the way they interact with patients. Tonight, I would like to elaborate a little more about one particularly special person: MaryKay. 

MaryKay has been the person designated to work with Esteem patients (among her many other tasks). She has such a gift for working with frightened patients who are making big life decisions and need a listening ear and encouragement. From day one, she has been a constant source of comfort and encouragement for me. Her calm demeanor was a God send many times when I was frantic. She helped tremendously in getting insurance coverage for my surgeries and kept me calm during all the battles surrounding that. In fact, on one especially challenging day recently, my mom told me to call MaryKay because just talking to her would make me feel better.  She has worked wonders in scheduling appointments to make my life easier. It's been comforting to know that she will make a way for me to see my surgeon or audiologist whenever I need to. She handles paperwork efficiently, deals with insurance companies. calms frantic patients, maneuvers schedules with ease...and all with a smile.  

   Most of all, MaryKay makes patients feel special. I've never ended a conversation with her without feeling uplifted. Despite her busy day, she always takes time to ask about my life. She doesn't just ask about my ears, but about ME. When she knew I was taking a trip to visit a man I was crazy about, she emailed to ask how it went. She tells me that she's praying for me. She invites me into her own life, sharing stories about her family. That kind of personal connection is a rare gift. I've faced some pretty hard times hearing wise and she's been there for me. She has literally been a shoulder to cry on. I've also faced some incredible times hearing wise and she's been there to celebrate with me. I love walking up to her desk knowing that she is going to give me a big hug and we will chat for a bit. Medical issues are challenging and can be very isolating. It's terrifying to face hearing loss. MaryKay made sure that office visits were cheerful instead of scary. 

   I found out tonight that she's retiring.  I've already shed a few tears. I'm so very happy for her! If anyone deserves an amazing retirement, it's MaryKay. Selfishly, I'm sad. I will miss her! I've finally come to realize that there's no way I will ever be able to adequately express my gratitude to all the people who make me able to hear, so this is my very meager attempt. Thank you, MaryKay! You've made a tremendous difference in many lives, mine included. Enjoy your retirement!

5 months

The surgery to remove my right sound processor was 5 months ago today. I am so very thankful that Dr. Shohet agreed to re-implant early instead of waiting 6 full months. I don't think I could have handled another month. It was a horrible, horrible time. I am still trying to figure out what I needed to learn or what good will come out of this. I know that God promises to work all things together for good - ALL things, even this. I have to figured out what good will come from this. I'm just thankful it's over. 

One of the hardest aspects of losing the hearing God miraculously gave me was feeing forsaken. It seemed cruel for God to deliver me from a life of isolation and silence...for which I VERY publicly praised Him and was ever so thankful...then to throw me back into that. It was hard. 

I still don't know why. I don't know if I ever will. The book of Job makes it clear that sometimes we suffer and never know why. What I DO know is that I am grateful - abundantly, exceedingly thankful - that that period of my life is over and I am determined to make the most of this miracle. To whom much is given, much is required.  I've been given so much. I pray for opportunities to DO much. 

Post Op and Programming

My cup overflows. I saw my incredible surgeon and wonderful audiologist yesterday for a post-op check and programming for my right Esteem. Everything is wonderful...really, really wonderful. (Side note: I HATE doctor appointments unless they're at Dr. Shohet's office. Everyone there is so wonderful. The only downside to not needing do much medical attention is that I won't get to see everyone so often!) Dr. Shohet said my incision is healing very well. I definitely cannot lift anything heavy for another week...so no setting up my classroom. My coworkers will understand the humor in that. :) Sam programmed my right ear to mostly match my left and the results are fantastic. My tympanogram (middle ear pressure) is shallow, probably from inflammation, but I'm still hearing very, VERY well. I am so thankful.

My friend Robin and I drove down to Orange County on Saturday to hang out and relax for a few days. I was worried about my energy level, but I've been okay. The pain is pretty much gone now and I feel like myself again. Of course, I'd take pain over hearing loss ANY DAY! We've had a lot of fun just exploring. :) We spent the day at Disneyland yesterday. I couldn't ride many rides, but had a blast enjoying the park. Lots to celebrate right now. One of these definitely stands out. :)

I go back to work on Monday, my 29th birthday. Like every teacher, I dread summer ending, but I am very glad that I'll be able to function normally again. The last few months of the last school year were really difficult. It's hard to teach under constant stress. What I'm dreading most is sitting in 3- and 4-hour long training sessions on my birthday. I don't handle sitting still very well haha! At least I'll be able to hear the presenters now. :)

The change in my mental state is dramatic. I knew I would feel better once I could hear, but I didn't think it would be this different right away. I'm calm. The constant anxiety and tension are gone. Obviously, I'm stressed out about a new school year, particularly when I'm limited physically, BUT I can handle everyday life stress. When I couldn't hear, the constant stress was such a burden that little things got to me. It was horrible. Looking back, I see that pattern all through my life. I thought it was just me. I am so thankful  it's not. Life is much more enjoyable when I can relax. :).  This miracle never ceases to amaze me.