Thanksgiving

This year has been...challenging. Ok, it's been hell. To be given the incredible gift of hearing and a new life that I loved just to have it ripped away with no warning for 5 long months was awful. I can't adequately explain what that did to me or the pain it caused, but trust me when I say that I would rather be dead than experience that again. It was terrible.

Now it's over. Life is back to normal and I couldn't possibly be more grateful. When I look back over everything that happened this year, I cringe when I remember how awful it was and how poorly I handled things. The pain is still very real, BUT the gratitude I feel overwhelms every bit of pain. It's difficult to type this because my eyes fill with tears when I think about how blessed I am! I never dreamed there would be a solution for hearing loss in my lifetime or that I would benefit from one if it became available. I never thought I could be easy going or social or fun to be around. I never knew hearing loss kept me from being myself. So I am thankful....

That I am NOT stuck in a lonely and isolated world. I can be me now! Life is enjoyable!

That my bosses and coworkers  are supportive and have been patient during all of the struggles this last year. 

For precious students who, despite their own struggles with disabilities, are intrigued by this whole process and aren't afraid to question what is happening. 

For my family taking care of me after every surgery and when I was an emotional wreck. They've had to rearrange their schedules to drive me to appointments and surgeries and take care of me so much this year but they don't complain. 

For friends who tried to be supportive during the long nightmare, even when I was not willing to be with people and spent most of my time crying. 

For a church that loves me and hurts AND rejoices with me. 

For an even greater passion to help kids with special needs, since I was forced back into that world again. 

For modern technology and the engineers who developed the Esteem. 

For Dr. Shohet. What can I say? He's amazing. I couldn't ask for a more skilled or more caring doctor. He constantly goes above and beyond, making me feel like he cares about me, not just my hearing. I know I can trust him because he makes it clear that he really does care and wants the best for me. He didn't give up on me when things looked bleak and I was an incredibly difficult patient. 

For Megan, my first Esteem audiologist who has continued to be supportive and a friend even though I'm not her patient anymore. 

For MaryKay, who moved heaven and earth to schedule appointments and surgeries, calmed me down when I was anxious and navigated insurance paperwork for me. 

For Sam, my current audiologist who is my friend first. The first time I met her was on a day when I was really insane and scary. She acted like she didn't care and has continued to be so loving and kind and very real. I love that! I don't hate going for hearing tests because I get to visit with her. That says a lot. :)

For Julie, the CEO of Envoy. She is warm, personable and truly cares about Esteem patients. One of the few bright spots in my time with only one ear was the day I met her. She greeted me with a long hug. I'll never forget that! 

For Amy, an Esteem counselor who is also dually implanted. Right after my right Esteem was removed, she called. As soon as I answered, said, "Is it as bad as I think?" I SO appreciated her candid nature and ability to empathize. She never told me it wasn't too bad or that it would be over soon. She understood how hard it was and supported me. I'm so grateful. 

For my friends who live far away. For a good portion of this year, I could only communicate in writing. I am eternally grateful for my friends who were just a text or email away. They kept me encouraged even I was so lonely. 

For my Esteem friends. We have a very unique bond. It's wonderful to talk to other people who "get it." Ashton, Melissa, Ryan, Marcia, Claudia, Pam, Terry....there are lots of us out there who support each other. Check out this link to see how the Esteem has changed our lives: https://www.facebook.com/InvisibleHearing/timeline/story?ut=43&wstart=0&wend=1417420799&hash=6889299929134462896&pagefilter=3

For opportunities to share my story. This has been an AMAZING journey! It's not all sunshine and roses, of course, but it has completely changed my life. I LOVE opportunities to share my story at Envoy events, through the internet or talking to prospective patients. Being part of someone else's journey is rewarding and exciting!

Most of all, I am thankful to serve the God who heals. I am so undeserving of such a gift...but He has given it to me anyway. Blessed be the name of The Lord!

Lots to be thankful for

This weekend was wonderful, filled with so many fun activities that I could enjoy thanks to the Esteem. I'm grateful every minute of every day, but sometimes I am so overwhelmed with gratitude I can't stop my tears. After 3 surgeries and 5 months of deafness in the last year, it seems surreal to be back to myself. I'm having fun again and am not constantly stressed and isolated. And I'm thankful!

The hardest part of the back and forth hearing then not hearing then hearing, etc. has been trying to have a social life. It seems like every time I actually have one, I lose my hearing again. Life has been pretty lonely, but this weekend was wonderful because I got to spend time doing fun things with people. (Side note: I'm still shocked that doing things with people is fun for me now. Amazing!)

Friday light, I met up with my brother's girlfriend, Selena, to go shopping and have dinner with a friend of hers. We went to Rosa's in Visalia, which has always been really difficult for me. The acoustics are terrible. It was really tough to follow conversation but I finally figured out that turning the ear that is facing the noisiest side of the room down in volume helps.  I still had some hearing in that ear, but it cut out a lot of background noise. 

Saturday morning and afternoon, Selena and I had a big baking day. We made pumpkin everything. :)

Saturday night, I got to go line dancing!! Obviously, dancing of any sort is NOT something deaf people enjoy. I would never have been able to enjoy anything like this before, but it was a blast!! I had no clue what I was doing, but it was so much fun and the teacher was fantastic. I was able to meet lots of new people and only had one really embarrassing moment in conversation when I misheard something. That's not too bad. I didn't get any pictures, unfortunately. :-(

Then today, my church had worship by the lake. It was freezing cold, but it was a beautiful reminder of how great God is and the incredible way He has blessed me. I am just so grateful!

Adjusting...again!

Let me start off by saying how incredibly grateful I am to be able to hear again. The nightmare of losing my hearing is OVER and I could not be more thankful. I have my life back and it is wonderful. 

I expected for life to be normal again as soon as I could hear again. For the most part, it has been. Just last week, one of my coworkers (and VERY dear friend) told be, "you don't understand it, hut you're a totally different person when you can't hear!"  I know how different I feel, but it's always interesting to hear that other people see it. I am NOT a happy or nice person when I can't hear. It's just miserable. I can't put into words how terrible it is to lose hearing. It was hell...pure hell for 5 months. I thought my memory of it would become more positive as time passed, but I still cry just thinking about it. I lost MYSELF for 5 miserable months. 

Adjusting has been weird. I've healed well and feel wonderful. The hard part has been developing a social life...again. It's been a crazy roller coaster ride over the past 3 years. I hated bring around people for 26 years then realized I actually love it when I can hear. For 6 months, I worked hard to make my owl social life. That's not easy when you're in your late 20s and single...trust me. :) Then I had my other ear implanted and was a hermit for 10 weeks again. Once that ear was activated, I had the best year of my life. I had so much fun DOING things I could never do and enjoying being with people. It was an amazing year. Then I had 3 more surgeries that resulted in 5 months of deafness...again. Now I'm back to square one. I crave social interaction but I have to rebuild that life...again. Now Im constantly waiting for everything to fall apart...again. I feel the incision at least 10 times a day just to make sure everything is ok. I take pictures constantly. There's no reason to think there will be more complications but the emotional scars are huge. Hopefully this will be the last time! :)

Here are a few pictures from some adventures lately. I really do enjoy life when I can hear. :) This is an absolute miracle and more than any other emotion, I feel tremendous gratitude all the time. 

Sentinel Dome in Yosemite. I chaperoned our 8th grade camping trip...something I couldn't have done pre-Esteem 

My sweet friend Katie and her friends were doing a cross country road trip so they stopped to visit the Sequoias. It's still shocking that I actually made friends and am in contact with people that I only met once. That would never have happened pre-Esteem either. :)

Sports

I have always HATED participating in sports. I'm not athletic or coordinated, so it makes sense that I hated PE and sports when I was growing up. Now I work in a reall small school and we always need coaches. I volunteered to coach volleyball, since it's the only sport I know anything about. At today's game, I FINALLY realized that I've always hated sports because they are completely reliant on hearing!

Think about it. Before you serve, you what for a whistle. Refs use whistles to get attention before they use hand signals. If you can't hear the whistle, you don't know to look for hand signals. We yell at the girls to "Communicate!" and "Talk to each other!" Obviously, I could never hear anyone else since I was watching the ball and not lipreading. Then throw in all the sounds from other games and cheers from parents...I must have been so lost. No wonder I hated it! Of course, I was even more lost without hearing aids and those break when you sweat. 

It makes me wonder how different life would have been if I'd been able to hear as a kid. I might have actually fit in. I could have enjoyed going to football games or doing other group things. I didn't know. I am so glad that I didn't know what I was missing!!! I love this experience of realizing how much better my life is, even though I had my first ear activated over two years ago.  Living a miracle is pretty incredible. 

Paranoia

Life is GRAND with two working ears. It's been a little over a month since my last surgery and I feel fantastic. There is very little pain at the implant site and it only occurs when I touch it. I am so blessed and so thankful. 

The only problem is paranoia. Is it possible to get PTSD from medical stuff?? For the last few weeks, I've been waking up in the middle of nightmares in which I am sitting in my surgeon's office being told he's going to have to remove the device again. That was a horrific nightmare when it actually happened and I do NOT enjoy the recurring nightmares now.  I check the incision at least 5 times a day. If you are in the medical field and I know you in real life, I've asked you to look at it, too. I'm still applying neosporin twice a day, which is only required for 5 days post op. I only wash my hair every other day to avoid any unnecessary pressure and/or water. I've considered driving 3 hours JUST so my surgeon can look at the incision...even though he told me it looked great 2 weeks ago. I actually wish my hair weren't growing back so fast so I could see the incision.  I am PARANOID. 

Isn't it great to have something so wonderful that the thought of losing it makes me paranoid? I am so thankful. I never thought it would be possible to be MORE grateful for my Esteems...but I am. I can enjoy life when I can hear. This is an amazing work of God. 

MaryKay

It's no secret that I absolutely love Shohet Ear Associates. The people there are wonderful, both in their professional abilities and in the way they interact with patients. Tonight, I would like to elaborate a little more about one particularly special person: MaryKay. 

MaryKay has been the person designated to work with Esteem patients (among her many other tasks). She has such a gift for working with frightened patients who are making big life decisions and need a listening ear and encouragement. From day one, she has been a constant source of comfort and encouragement for me. Her calm demeanor was a God send many times when I was frantic. She helped tremendously in getting insurance coverage for my surgeries and kept me calm during all the battles surrounding that. In fact, on one especially challenging day recently, my mom told me to call MaryKay because just talking to her would make me feel better.  She has worked wonders in scheduling appointments to make my life easier. It's been comforting to know that she will make a way for me to see my surgeon or audiologist whenever I need to. She handles paperwork efficiently, deals with insurance companies. calms frantic patients, maneuvers schedules with ease...and all with a smile.  

   Most of all, MaryKay makes patients feel special. I've never ended a conversation with her without feeling uplifted. Despite her busy day, she always takes time to ask about my life. She doesn't just ask about my ears, but about ME. When she knew I was taking a trip to visit a man I was crazy about, she emailed to ask how it went. She tells me that she's praying for me. She invites me into her own life, sharing stories about her family. That kind of personal connection is a rare gift. I've faced some pretty hard times hearing wise and she's been there for me. She has literally been a shoulder to cry on. I've also faced some incredible times hearing wise and she's been there to celebrate with me. I love walking up to her desk knowing that she is going to give me a big hug and we will chat for a bit. Medical issues are challenging and can be very isolating. It's terrifying to face hearing loss. MaryKay made sure that office visits were cheerful instead of scary. 

   I found out tonight that she's retiring.  I've already shed a few tears. I'm so very happy for her! If anyone deserves an amazing retirement, it's MaryKay. Selfishly, I'm sad. I will miss her! I've finally come to realize that there's no way I will ever be able to adequately express my gratitude to all the people who make me able to hear, so this is my very meager attempt. Thank you, MaryKay! You've made a tremendous difference in many lives, mine included. Enjoy your retirement!

5 months

The surgery to remove my right sound processor was 5 months ago today. I am so very thankful that Dr. Shohet agreed to re-implant early instead of waiting 6 full months. I don't think I could have handled another month. It was a horrible, horrible time. I am still trying to figure out what I needed to learn or what good will come out of this. I know that God promises to work all things together for good - ALL things, even this. I have to figured out what good will come from this. I'm just thankful it's over. 

One of the hardest aspects of losing the hearing God miraculously gave me was feeing forsaken. It seemed cruel for God to deliver me from a life of isolation and silence...for which I VERY publicly praised Him and was ever so thankful...then to throw me back into that. It was hard. 

I still don't know why. I don't know if I ever will. The book of Job makes it clear that sometimes we suffer and never know why. What I DO know is that I am grateful - abundantly, exceedingly thankful - that that period of my life is over and I am determined to make the most of this miracle. To whom much is given, much is required.  I've been given so much. I pray for opportunities to DO much.