Life Don't Go Quite Like You Planned it

To quote Sugarland, "Life don't go quite like ya planned it; we try to hard to understand it; the irrefutable, indisputable fact is, it happens!"

It's been 6 weeks and 2 days since surgery and my ear has not healed at.  I feel normal, the incision looks great, the hair is even growing back...but the pressure in my middle ear is still bad.  Pressure is measured by a tympanogram test.  It's supposed to look like a very steep mountain on the screen (see pictures).  Unfortunately, mine is still a flat line.  A flat line indicates trauma to the ear drum (unlikely, but a possible surgery complication) or a lot of fluid in the ear.  Most likely, it's just fluid in the ear that is refusing to go away.  Sometimes healing takes a long time but my dr. said by 8 weeks, everyone is healed. However, I know of at least 3 people who have NOT healed by the 8 week mark since they changed the surgery procedures back in August. 

The frustrating thing is that I was scheduled to activate last Monday, the 21st.  My work schedule is insane right now and I can't really take a day off without missing some important meeting. I scheduled the surgery so I could activate on the 21st and go back for an adjustment on Feb. 11 or 18, which are also holidays.  Obviously, my plan didn't work.  While I absolutely believe that God can change our plans for a reason, I also believe that sometimes life just stinks.  Dramatic?  Yes.  The funny thing is, with my right ear completely deaf and my left ear (Esteem activated), I'm hearing pretty much the same as I did my whole life with hearing aids, except that the quality is much better.  It's awful.  Now that I know how well I'm supposed to be hearing, I have no idea how I managed to function like this all through school and college and teaching.  I'm stressed out all the time and don't want to be around people.  I dread going to church and work....and forget trying to eat in a restaurant!  But I made it to my goal of Jan. 21.  I didn't let it stop me from living life and I kept a pretty decent attitude about it...but wait; it's not over yet.  Needless to say, I'm pretty frustrated.  Activation is scheduled for Feb. 11 now, but there's been NO improvement in the last week so I don't know if I'll be able to do that! 

I know it will be worth it.  Really, I do.  I'm just tired of this.  Hearing is the main way that we communicate and I had become used to communicating easily.  To have that taken away is difficult.  Throw in insurance difficulties, the awful surgery center, grad school requirements and 3 dating disasters in the last month and I'm one stressed out girl!  It is really strange that I overreact to EVERYTHING when I can't hear.  I guess it's that constantly stressed out feeling but it's kind of obnoxious.

Despite the difficulties, I still absolutely believe that the Esteem is a miracle and I am so grateful for it.  Before the Esteem, if I didn't have my right hearing aid, I couldn't function.  Now, my right ear is completely deaf and it's not easy, but I'm still living life fairly normally.  Anything worth having is worth waiting, right?  Hopefully, it'll just be a few more weeks!



 

 

 

Normal (type A) Tympanogram






My tympanogram 1-17-13

Surgery day pictures

Well, I typed up this loooooong post about how having a disability was not fun but that being able to live a miracle because of it made it all worth it, but Blogger apparently thought I shouldn't post that. :(

I FINALLY uploaded the pictures from my real camera.  Here they are:

In the waiting room before surgery.  THIS is why make-up should be allowed on surgery day.  I may or may not have said that to the dr...yeah, I keep it classy. :)

Dr. Shohet.  I adore him.  What can you say about the person who makes it possible for you to hear?

No, it's not coffee...I'm not THAT addicted. :)  After the dr. talked to my parents and told them everything went well, they went to get me hot tea from Starbucks.  After my first surgery, I had a terrible sore throat and wanted tea right away.  That didn't happen this time, but I was grateful for it since my grouchy nurse was stingy with the apple juice.  I'm still bitter about that.

 

 

 

 

My hair kept falling out around the incision site.  If you look at it now, it looks like they barely took any hair, but I have a lot of super thick hair.  This was gross and it pretty much freaked me out every time.

Leaving the surgery center.  I was in TONS of pain here.  Grouchy nurse would only give me half a percocet.  That makes sense after my head was just cut up open and my skull drilled into, right?  In fact, as soon as we got to the hotel, I begged my parents for pain meds...literally in tears.  It was bad.  I can't believe how different it was from the first surgery!

As for an update, I feel great!  The pain is pretty much gone.  I can sleep on the implant side now and actually put my hair in a ponytail last week!  The implant site feels really tight when I turn my head to the left, but that's really all I notice.  The incision is barely noticeable already.  The first week was tough, but now, I definitely don't feel like I had surgery less than a month ago! :)

3 weeks

It's been 3 weeks and I feel GREAT! I drove to Long Beach and went to the aquarium and on a harbor cruise with Jeralyn and the kids today and I'm not half dead. :) The implant site is still VERY sensitive and it hurts quite a bit. I am still not sure when activation will happen but I'm definitely ready. I'm not nervous about activation this time (yet) but I'm struggling without any hearing in my right ear.

Having Gavyn and Brynna here has reinforced why I'm so glad to have the Esteem before I have children. It's so sweet to wake up to a little voice saying, "Hi Jill. It's morning! Let's make pink pancakes!" The reassurance of knowing I can hear them at night is worth every second of pain as well. As much as I HATE not having my own family yet, I am very glad that God, in His infinite wisdom, allowed me to gain hearing before having kids. Now He can send me a man anytime. ;)

I didn't realize how much more social I've become since surgery. Without hearing in the right ear, I'm back to my withdrawn ways. It's soooooo much work to try and figure out what people are saying. Cars are the worst!! I get really frustrated when I'm driving and I can't hear anyone or lipread. Fortunately, this is temporary.:) I've forgotten so much of deaf life already and it's only been 8 months! This recovery is definitely reminding me of how amazing the Esteem really is!