I Can Hear

How do I start this?  My life changed instantly on Friday.  I'd been told the Esteem was a "miracle" and "life changing" but there's just no way to describe this!  To really understand what I'm going to say, you have to watch this:




Hearing aids are wonderful.  They allowed me to function for 22 years.  For perspective, I'm "deaf enough" to have been in deaf school and to have ASL as my primary language.  Thankfully, my parents did not choose that route for me.  I know a lot of people prefer sign and I probably would if I knew how to sign - ha!  I am so thankful that hearing aids allowed me to speak and sing and enjoy music and live a "hearing" life.  But now...well, they suck.  I had NO CLUE how hard I was having to work just to hear!  My teachers always said I was super focused and now I know why.  It was so difficult!  In order to hear, I had to figure out where sound was coming from (which is impossible with hearing aids) then try to lip read.  Of course, if someone had facial hair or an accent or was covering their mouth or had irregular speech patterns, that was impossible.  Oh, and when people exaggerated their speech to "help" me lipread, it was the worst! Then, even with lipreading, I missed about half of the words people said.  So, I would listen to whole sentences and try to figure out what made sense in context.  I got it wrong a lot.  That is so embarrassing.  See, I would try to make sense of what I was hearing and then respond to what I thought I heard.  My responses didn't make sense...mortifying!!  Then take into account how many words sound alike.  I couldn't distinguish sounds in words in a normal conversation.  Basically, it was a guessing game.  And it was A LOT OF WORK. 

Fortunately, I didn't realize how difficult it was.  Hearing somewhat normally is AMAZING! I'll post some pictures and give some stats later, but the biggest thing is not that I hear soft sounds now, it's the quality.  Everything is so clear (well, except for church...eek!).  I can tell you how many voices are singing on the radio and distinguish the different instruments.  I heard the difference in an airplane and a helicopter and I didn't even know they sounded different before.  The shower sounds so weird - I can hear the individual drops of water hitting the floor, not just a roaring sound.  Speech is a lot clearer, too.  In fact, at activation, my dad was talking to me with his face behind his iPad and I could understand him.  If you don't know my dad, he mumbles ALL THE TIME.  It was great.  On Mother's Day, I was cooking in the kitchen and could talk to people with my back turned and from another room.  That would have been impossible before!! When I give reading assessments at school, I don't have to lipread.  We had a retirement ceremony at work on Monday and I heard the superintendent talking into a microphone (which covered his lips) and didn't have to ask anyone what he said.  Amazing!! I can even hear my dog drinking water from across the room.  I think my favorite thing is that I can take baths (which is basically my favorite thing ever!) and listen to music. :)  I'm also sleeping better.  I thought sleeping would be difficult, but I think I'm resting better because I know I'll be able to hear if anything happens at night.  It's pretty scary to go to sleep knowing you won't wake up if the smoke detector or alarm go off.  In short, this is all incredible.

Of course, there are downsides, too.:)  After activation, we went to Newport Pier so I could hear the ocean.  That was so cool - never realized there are so many different pitches and distinct sounds involved in the waves.  I can't wait to go to the beach and lay on the sand now!:)  We ate at a diner on the pier and I, stupidly, ordered fish and chips.  I had been warned not to eat anything crunchy because it would be so loud.  Oops.  I bit on the fish and froze - it was LOUD! :)  I'm getting used to chewing, but never dreamed eating salad would be distracting! :)  Certain sounds have a really weird static quality to them.  I'm not sure if it's the Esteem or if it's just the way everyone hears and I don't know how to tune it out yet. Clapping and laughing at church were pretty painful. The weirdest part has been getting used to my own voice.  It's much quieter for y'all but it's BOOMING inside my head!  Singing is really difficult because I hear myself now.  I sound different, too - very hollow.  I hope that changes with time or adjustments to the implant.

I LOVE that background noise is really in the background now.  Before, every little sound was amplified and it was really hard for me to listen to what I wanted to hear.  For instance, at Hobby Lobby, all I heard was the "clank clank clank" of the shopping cart wheels hitting the ground.  On Saturday, I could carry on a conversation with my mom while walking around the store and NOT lipreading.  That's a really big deal.  It's also great at work.  I'm able to focus on the kids I'm talking to and not the dull (ha!) roar that is a K/1 classroom.:)

I am so thankful for all of this.  Realizing how easy it is to hear now makes me even more grateful to have been able to function with hearing aids.  Our God is so faithful - He provided that for me for most of my life and now has made this possible.

Activation

I don't know how to describe today. I was hopeful beforehand but knew the reality. Most people don't get significant gain at activation and the adjustment is rough. I don't know about adjustment, of course, but I was told that 60 decibels is the maximum gain possible...and that's what I got today. That means I'm hearing at 20 dB (the normal range) at 4 frequencies. I've NEVER heard in the normal range. My speech reception threshold was 75 without hearing aids, 60 with hearing aids and now it's 35. They don't make hearing aids that powerful. When they tested my speech reception (repeating words), I got 56% at 50 dB. With my hearing aid, I got 0. At 65 dB, I got 100% of the words. The sound is really different, too. Megan (my wonderful audiologist!) set 3 different settings with 5 volume levels in each setting. I'm playing with the settings but on A, there is very little background noise. I can actually have a conversation in the car or at a restaurant. I'm not even lipreading. Hearing is already so much easier!

I'm EXHAUSTED! This has been wonderful but also very emotional and draining. I want to make sure to record all these little details though. :)

Weird things:
*hearing change drop into a parking meter
*listening to songs I know and realizing there are several people singing...not just the one I heard before
*eating!!!! I ordered fish and chips for lunch. The batter is crunchy and LOUD!
*I actually heard a hammer hitting a pipe...from across the street
*my own voice inside my head
*the ocean - I didn't realize how many different sounds there are
*helicopters - they sound different than airplanes!

A picture is worth a thousand words, right? The bottom line is unaided, middle is with a hearing aid and top is with the Esteem. Miraculous.

The Video

The first day of the rest of my life??

My activation is in 3 hours. Surprise! I've only told a few people outside of work. I'm writing this on the way to Newport but won't post it until later. Truth be told, I'm terrified. I've been so excited and open about all of this and now I'm afraid I'll be proved a fool. I'm well aware that today will probably be anti climactic and I will probably be very discouraged. That's normal because this is a HUGE CHANGE. But there's still lingering doubt...what if it doesn't work at all? (Side note: after a few hours in the car listening to my dad's music, that doesnt sound so bad!) What if there's scar tissue and I need another surgery? What if it does work but I never adjust? I had several nightmares last night. In each one, something major went wrong. It didn't work at all in one, I hated it in another and the doctor told me it would never be able to be activated in another. I'm a little tired today. :)

It's silly, I know. I'm 100% certain that God led me to this and He does not lead in error, but this journey is an emotional one. I am very change averse and the last few years have been full of change. Wait, the last few WEEKS have been full of change! It's still surreal that in a few hours, I won't be deaf anymore. I suppose it's fear of the unknown more than anything. the surgery wasn't scary because I knew what to expect. I know what swelling, pressure and pain feel like. But hearing? I have no idea what that's like. It's exciting and terrifying all at once.

4 weeks

Today marks 4 weeks since surgery! The weirdest thing happened yesterday! I had a horrible headache since Saturday but I thought it was from stresss. But... I was in the gym at work and suddenly felt my ear open and fluid rush into my head. My headache went away instantly. It was CREEPY! Since then, though, my ear feels open and I don't feel fluid moving when I swallow or yawn. I didn't realize I was still feeling pressure until it was gone! There was also a sonic boom right after...weird.

Our sweet school nurse has a tympanography machine and checked my ear pressure today. In the picture, my right (unimplanted) ear is on top. The numbers for my left ear are all in the normal range, which is good and surprising. It usually takes 4-6 weeks for pressure to return to normal and fluid to decrease. I'm very thankful to be healing well!

My "I Can Hear" Bucket List

Ridiculous, I know, but hearing without hearing aids and with natural sound opens up a whole new works for me and there's A LOT I want to experience! Here are some ideas off the top of my head:)

*lay on the beach and listen to the ocean
*go white water rafting
*drive up and down the 101 with the windows down (no wind microphone issues)
*go to a water park and not freak out
*go to concerts - all different kinds of music
*go to pro sports games (the crowds are so loud I can't really enjoy it now)
*learn to surf
*go tubing
*hang out by the pool...with other people
*run outside!!!!!
*learn to play my guitar
*go camping