Realistic

I really hate this show because I am not into deaf culture. It infuriates me to watch it...BUT this is very realistic. Thanks be to God for His unspeakable gift!

http://youtu.be/lQZz_GLrokI

I can't figure out how to embed this from my phone and since I have to wake up at 4, the link will have to suffice. :)

2 weeks

Yesterday was the 2 week mark. Just like my first surgery, it was pretty much magical: my energy returned. :) I didn't even have time to post because I was so busy! I am VERY thankful for that! Granted, I'm pretty tired today but I was on the go from 8:00 am until 11:30 pm yesterday!

Not having any hearing in my right ear is frustrating. I got used to good hearing in one ear and bad in the other...but bad is a lot better than none!:) Fortunately, it's temporary! Life feels like life pre-implant. It's exhausting to be around people. I have to lip-read and watch EVERYTHING again. I was used to being lazy I guess. :) I am soooo ready for activation!

It's definitely a Monday...

I'm not going to lie, today was rough.  I felt good last night so I took NyQuil instead of vicodin and woke up hurting. I was supposed to go to a local dr to have my incision checked so I couldn't take anything this morning. I got showered and ready to go...but the car wouldn't start! I called AAA and they towed the car but I got a horrible migraine somewhere in there. As soon as the tow truck driver left, I took a Vicodin and didn't move!  Fortunately, the pain dulled. When my mom got off work, she drove me to the doctor, who said the incision looks really good. It was WONDERFUL to get out of the house! I'm going stir crazy for sure!

I really can't believe how much worse this recovery has been. I'm very very thankful that the first one was easier. Forcing myself to go through this again would be tough haha! Come activation, all the pain will be worth it.

2 days

This recovery has definitely been different than last time! I'm hurting A LOT more but in different places - HA! Last time, my neck was incredibly stiff and sore. This time, it's fine. I couldn't open my mouth for a good week last time but theres no jaw pain now. My throat doesn't hurt like last time either. Now, it's the ear and the implant site that hurt. And they really hurt. Fortunately, I've been able to take the pain meds with no nausea. So far, my neck isn't bruised but my ear is. It's strange how different each recovery has been!! Here are the obligatory pics...

Surgery update

My second Esteem surgery is over!:) It was quite an ordeal thanks to the incompetence of the billing office at the surgery center, but the implant is in and had great numbers when they tested it! I'm in a lot more pain this time, but my new friend Vicodin is helping. :)

The surgery was shorter this time, most likely because the sensor and driver (the parts that connect to the incus and stapes) are smaller than in my other ear. They did not have to cut my jaw muscle this time so I'm able to open my mouth. My throat isn't nearly as sore as last time either, which is very nice! The pain is mostly where the sound processor sits. It makes sense now that I've seen the pictures - the SCREWED a stabilizing bar into my skull! The bar and screws aren't there now but I definitely understand why the implant site hurts so bad! My blood pressure dropped during surgery and I got a fever. The nurse said it was just because they were trying to keep me so warm because of the blood pressure. Fortunately, I did not have a passing out episode this time. The post-op nurse (who is not exactly my favorite) told me drinking apple juice wouldn't help...but she gave it to me anyway and I stayed conscious in recovery :) The pre-op and OR nurses were wonderful! Of course, Dr. Shohet was amazing as always and I had the same anesthesiologist. I really like him! I did not get sick at all, which is a tremendous blessing!

We drove home this morning and I'm feeling pretty good. It is a lot more painful this time but it's manageable. I'm achy all over right now since I've been sitting still for too long. I have a numb spot on my lower lip but no other numbing or facial paralysis. It still seems surreal that both surgeries are over!

Dr. Shohet took pictures during surgery this time. Apparently the microscope has a camera on it. I hope I can remember what is happening in each picture!

After the facial recess. This shows the hollowed out space for the sound processor. 

Why I'm Nervous

Surgery is about 36 hours away now and, while I am unbelievably thankful, I'm much more nervous this time. It doesn't make much sense since I've been through this before and really had an easy recovery. However, for everyone asking me why I'm nervous, here's the description of the surgery:

Update

It's been awhile!! Life has been (wonderfully) crazy but I have a lot to update. The biggest news is that surgery #2 is scheduled for Dev. 13. I had my pre-op appointment last Monday and everything is ready to go. And...insurance already pre-approved this surgery. :) This time we're implanting my "good" ear. The results should be even better than my current implant. Unfortunately, it does mean recovery will be worse. The 6-8 weeks of complete deafness will not be fun when I'm used to having sorta-kinda-ok hearing in that ear. But it's temporary!:) I'm a little more nervous this time because a different audiologist will be doing the programming, but my surgeon is amazing and God is faithful.

My implanted ear continues to do well. I've turned it off twice now, once on the grapevine and once during a hearing test on my other ear. Both times were AWFUL, which is good. :) I'm definitely depending on my Esteem instead of my hearing aid for speech now. There's a 32% difference in speech recognition scores between Esteem and hearing aid. It's amazing because my left ear has NEVER been better than my right. I'm finally used to depending on that ear. I'm also really used to hearing. When I can't understand someone, I panic. I know it's part of the adjustment process. I have a really hard time with accents. I'm also losing my ability to lipread quickly. I still can't believe how much easier life is. I had no idea how much harder I had to work before.

A few "aha" moments lately:

-the washing machine cycles all sound different
-I can hear water running upstairs when I'm downstairs
-rain is not as stressful. I don't have to cover my ears all the time and pray my hearing aids don't break.
-Listening to music while I'm getting ready in the morning is amazing!

"My God will supply every need"

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19 ESV)

I got AMAZING news today!!! My insurance company has approved my Esteem and surgery!! They denied it the first time I filed a claim, but approved it in the first appeal. God is so faithful!

Believe it or not, insurance usually does not cover treatment for hearing loss. It is "not medically necessary.". And it ain't cheap! A pair of good hearing aids is usually $5-6,000. They have to be replaced every 3-5 years on top of that, plus there are other expenses: batteries, ear molds, repairs, remaking, etc.

Cochlear implants are usually covered now, but it took years for them to be approved. The Esteem has only been FDA approved for 2.5 years and it is usually not covered by insurance. In fact, I'm the first person with Anthem of CA to have it approved. The cost at surgery time was $30,000. It's worth every penny, but that isn't exactly pocket change. Now, I can get my other ear implanted! Yes, God is faithful.

My mom said it best: "It's a miracle that this exists, a miracle that it works and another miracle that they're paying for it!"

New normal

I had a couple big "Esteem moments" tonight. I was so fortunate to go to dinner with some very dear friends. We all used to work together and formed a remarkable bond but we don't see each other very often now. I hadn't seen any of them since activation. They're all used to me being deaf and having to repeat stuff. Twice during dinner, someone said something quiet and another person immediately started to repeat it for me automatically. But I didn't need it repeated because I'd heard it...both times. It's funny because hearing is normal for me now. I'm used to the effortless conversations in restaurants and not stressing over every sound in every word. I forget that it is really new and exciting until I'm with someone who isn't used to my "new normal." I absolutely love it, though. I get to relive the excitement over and over! :) The other big moment is that the battery in my Personal Programmer (remote) finally died! At activation, I was told the batteries would last about a month, maybe two if I didn't use the remote a lot. It's been 3 1/2 months. It may not seem like a big deal, but it IS because it means that I don't have to use the remote very often. In fact, I only noticed that the battery light was on because I was showing my friends how the remote works. My goal with the Esteem was to eventually get to the point where I didn't need the remote every day. I honestly can't remember the last time I used it. It's incredible to just be able to hear all the time without messing with hearing aids or batteries or even remotes. "Thanks be to God for His unspeakable gift!"

Sound Quality

The number one reason I got the Esteem is quality of life.  Being able to hear all the time is absolutely priceless and worth every second of pain after surgery.  The other big reason is better sound quality.  Since I was born deaf (lower case d on purpose!), I had only heard with hearing aids.  Without amplification, I could only hear extremely loud sounds (blender, lawn mower, etc.).  I honestly thought that hearing aids produced sound "normal" people hear.  I was SO wrong. With my Esteem, I'm not only hearing things I've never heard before, but I hear things completely differently.  For instance, I can hear individual sounds.  With hearing aids, sound is jumbled.  I can't think of a better way to describe it.  All the sounds happen at the same time and it's all amplified.  If you're in a restaurant, the chairs moving and silverware hitting plates is just as loud as the people you want to listen to.  It all blends together in a very loud, uncomfortable jumble.  Of course, I didn't know any different until May.  I was blissfully ignorant. :)  Now, things sound clear.  I don't have to work all the time to understand sound.  See, with hearing aids, even when I could hear sound, I didn't understand it easily.  I had to try hard to distinguish sounds and figure out what I was hearing.  It was the worst with speech.  Ever seen a Bad Lipreading video?  Sounds are very, very similar when you don't hear them clearly and lots of sounds look the same when lipreading.  The Esteem makes hearing easy.

Oddly enough, since I got my new hearing aid, I can't stand it.  I wore hearing aids for 22 years.  If the right one broke, I was hysterical and couldn't function.  I was completely dependent on them, no way around it. I had good, top of the line (Read: Expensive!) hearing aids Now, frankly, it sounds like crap.  Everything is obnoxiously loud and distracting.  It amazes me how well my brain learned to process the horrible sound quality I had for years and makes me ever so grateful for the Esteem.  In fact, when I'm singing at church, I have to take the hearing aid out.  Everything sounds horrible with it - and it's not because the settings are wrong.  Hearing aids just sound bad.  I never realized it because I didn't know what sound was supposed to sound like, but now I do.  And it's absolutely amazing!

I've shared this video before, but a lot more people read this now. :)  This video is a very accurate portrayal of what hearing aids sound like.  It is incredible that any amplification technology exists and allows hard of hearing people to function in a hearing world, but I am so very thankful that I don't have to hear like this anymore. :)

Word Recognition

I have so much to write about!!  This summer has been amazing, mostly thanks to my Esteem.  I still haven't found a way to put into words how much easier it makes my life.  I do not have enough time for a big update tonight, but I DO want to share some really, really exciting news!

Most of you know me in person.  VERY few of you have ever been around me without hearing aids.  It ain't pretty.  Before my Esteem, I was a WRECK if my right hearing aid was broken.  Even with a hearing aid, my left ear was pretty much useless.  I do not function like a deaf person, which made me COMPLETELY dependent on my hearing aids.  If the right one broke, I panicked.  I cried  the drop of a hat, didn't want to be around people, had panic attacks, etc.  It was awful. As always, I don't say that to complain, just to be honest and to show how incredible the Esteem really is!

Last month, I was on vacation for three weeks, starting in Long Beach.  While I was in Long Beach, my right hearing aid broke beyond repair.  Three months ago, that would have been AWFUL.  I would ahve been a wreck and my vacation plans would have been ruined.  But this time, it was no big deal.  I actually did BETTER with just my Esteem than I ever did with two hearing aids.  My trip was fun and relaxed and I was in LOTS of different situations but heard well in all of them.  It was fantastic.

Once I got home, I ordered a new hearing aid with the wonderful Megan (audiologist who makes my steem work so well!) and I picked it up on Wednesday.  It sounds awful...but that's a whole other post.  While I was there, I asked Megan if she would do a word recognition test on my Esteem because thought I was understanding speech better after a month with no hearing aid.  You see, the Esteem and a hearing aid sound completely different.  I was used to the way speech sounded with hearing aids and had to learn how to understand with my Esteem. When I had that hearing aid, I was kind of using it as a crutch because it was a familiar sound.  When I was forced to go without it, I learned how to listen and understand speech with my Esteem.  The word recognition test (aka speech discrimination) requires me to repeat one syllable words  that are played at 50 dB (conversation level).  One syllable words are the worst for deaf people because we really do have to hear every sound.  In a multisyllabic word, we can use other syllables to figure out the word if we miss sounds.  So this test has always been the worst for me.  Before surgery, with a hearing aid, I got 0%. That means that, even with my hearing aid, I could not understand speech in my left ear.  At activation, I got 56%, which is fantastic!  At my adjustment 4 weeks after activation, I got 68% - even better!  But...after a month with JUST my Esteem, I got 92%!!!  During the test, I kept thinking, "OH!!  That's what that word is!" I've had this test dozens of times but never knew what some of those words were...haha! 

There's a lot of negative press about the Esteem right now.  While I am truly, truly sorry for people who are not getting great results, I am SO THANKFUL for this miracle - and that's what it is. 

Swimming

One thing I was really excited to do after activation was swim. :)  My parents have a pool so I grew up swimming a lot, but as an adult, I HATED swimming with people because I couldn't hear.  Hearing aids and water do not mix well.  Outside of family, there are only a handful of people I could handle swimming with just because I got really anxious when I couldn't hear...more on that later.  When my adorable little "nephew" and "niece" surprised me with a visit last week, one of the first things we did was get in the pool! :)  I had been swimming with them before, but this was the first time I'd ever been able to play with them in the water.  They are 3 and 5 and very imaginative and fun right now.  Brynna announced that, "Bub is a mean shark and I'm a dolphin running away.  And you're my best friend."  That was - by far - my favorite post-activation moment. :)

The main thing I'm realizing now is how much I missed before I could hear.  I assumed that hearing aids worked well and I was hearing most of what everyone else did, but I was SO wrong.  It's the little things that get me, things like playing in the pool. Hearing the kids laugh when we spin around in circles or being able to help Brynna jump in the water...those are things I never thought about or even realized I was missing, but those are priceless moments.

I don't usually post pictures of myself in a swimsuit on the internet (YIKES!) but a lot of people who read this are considering getting an Esteem.  Unless you've been deaf or hard of hearing, you don't understand the panic that comes with not hearing in social situations.  I think these pictures do a really good job of showing the difference. :)  I can't describe how amazing it was to actually PLAY in the pool and enjoy it!

This is really personal and I'll probably regret posting it, but if you know me in real life, you know my greatest desire is to have a family.  I struggle with understanding why I still don't have that...but being with the kids last week showed me how much easier life as a mom will be now that I can hear.  For the first time, I was able to talk to the kids while I was driving.  I could never understand them without lip-reading before.  I could hear them at night and when they were upstairs and I was downstairs.  Had life gone the way I planned, I would already have kids by now...but maybe this is all part of God's plan for me.  He knew this miracle was coming and that I'd be able to experience it.  Maybe it's part of the reason for the wait! :)

4 Week Adjustment

Part of having an Esteem is getting adjustments pretty regularly.  I'm very fortunate to live a few hours from my surgeon/audiologist's office AND my audiologist does not follow a fixed schedule for adjustments, so they got me in for an adjustment really quickly.  The main reason was to (hopefully) fix the problems I'm having a church.  I guess I'll find out if that worked tomorrow. :)  The added bonus is that Megan (the wonderful audiologist) was able to add more volume.  Apparently I'm adjusting REALLY quickly and can tolerate a lot of volume.  I thought this was obvious given my occupation. :)  However, Megan told me she usually can't give this much volume for A YEAR after activation.  Mine was 4 weeks ago.  I am SO blessed!  I am definitely not using all of the volume now, but I can adjust it whenever I'm ready.  The Esteem has 3 settings which are different for everyone based on the type of hearing loss and severity of it.  Usually, one is for quiet conversation, one is for background noise and one is for phone or tv.  I have a remote (Personal Programmer) that I can use to change settings whenever I want.  However, I hate doing that so my goal is to find a program that works for every situation.  In fact, on any given day, I couldn't tell you what setting I have it on. :)  Each setting has (had, now) 6 volume levels (0-5). Apparently, yesterday it was on C5, which was the loudest setting at the time.  Since I was able to tolerate that, Megan added more volume to C and completely changed my A and B settings to try and eliminate background noise.  I *think* it's on A3 now.  A is not quieter than C, but it has less power at certain frequencies which should eliminate the echo and static at church.  We'll see. :)

The BEST news is that my pure tone average and speech reception threshold are now 25 dB - NORMAL!!!!  Granted, it's barely normal, but that didn't stop me from screaming, "Are you freaking kidding me?!?!" when she said, "That was 25!!!!" :)  And...it will continue to improve over time. :)  I'm posting pictures below.  The first one is from activation.  The X's indicate my hearing with no hearing aid or Esteem.  It was bad.  The E's indicate activation.  I got INCREDIBLE gains at activation!  The other picture is from yesterday.  Some frequencies were better, some were worse but overall, it showed improvement.  My speech reception threshold was 5 dB better AND my word recognition went from 56% to 68%.  I'm still learning how to process sound and recognize how words sound now. :)  The test was given on setting C3, not even the loudest.  Megan will do a quick audiogram at every adjustment to see how I'm progressing, but so far, it's amazing.


Of course, those are just numbers.  They're really, really amazing numbers, but they don't tell you how incredible this is.  After my adjustment, I met a friend of mine to head to the beach.  Hearing the water is great...but being able to hear WITHOUT worrying about sand or sunscreen breaking my hearing aids is even better.  I can really relax and even play in the water without stress.:)  We went to dinner in a really noisy restaurant with a live musician...and I could actually carry on a conversation with all of that noise.  It was amazing.  I'm still using closed captions for TV, but when I went to the movies today, the quality was awesome!!!  It was REALLY loud, but I didn't know there was such a depth to the sound!!!

Before surgery, other Esteem recipients told me the implant made them a lot more outgoing and confident.  I'm starting to understand that.  There are SO many things I want to do now - water parks, theme parks, jet skis, concerts, football games, etc etc etc.  It's just so much easier to be in crowds and talk to people.  I don't feel stupid constantly because I can't understand what's going on around me and I have to guess.  That was REALLY frustrating before.  Asking everyone to repeat themselves gets old so I would just guess what people were saying...and I was wrong a lot. :)  I'm still in awe of all of this.  It really is a miracle!

The Data

That title makes me laugh...and if you're a teacher, you probably groaned. :)  But it's late and I can't  sleep. :)  I'm really, really dreading church tomorrow (the echoes and static - UGH!) and want to stay positive so I put together this little graph...

OK, I can't get the formatting right.  I was going to explain underneath the chart, but Blogger is not cooperating.  Basically, hearing loss is "graded" on decibels.  Normal hearing is 0-25 dB in adults.  Mild loss is 25-40, moderate is 45-60, severe is 60-85, profound is 90+.  As you can tell, my baseline (natural hearing) is nowhere near normal or even mild loss at any frequency(pitch).  Once hearing loss reaches a certain decibel level, hearing aids are not very effective.  My right ear (not  implanted ear) is able to be corrected with a hearing aid.  It is not in the normal ranges at all, but it  allows me to function.  My left ear, as you can see, was not able to be corrected by hearing aids.  If you aren't familiar with hearing loss, the top 4 lines probably won't mean much to you, but look at the bottom two. Amazing, isn't it?

	250	500	750	1000	1500	2000	300	4000	6000	8000	SRT	Words @ 50 dB
Baseline (12/11)	45	70	80	75	80	80	80	80	70	85	75  dB	0
Aided (12/11)	35	65	60	60	60	65	65	70	DNT	95	60 dB
Activation (5/12)	20	40	30	30	20	20	20	50	60	NR	35 dB	56%
Gain over BL	-25	-30	-50	-45	-60	-60	-60	-30	-10		-45	56%
Gain over HA	-15	-25	-30	-30	-40	-45	-45	-20			-25	56%

3 weeks in

It's been 3 weeks since activation and I LOVE IT!  I know a lot of people who are considering the Esteem read this: DO IT!  And make sure Dr. Shohet is your surgeon! :)

Honestly, it feels so natural and it's only been 3 weeks.  Work is great.  The noise doesn't bother me at all and it's wonderful to not rely on lipreading.  Ever tried lipreading when kids are missing all their front teeth?  It's challenging. :)  I love hearing at night and am sleeping GREAT!  It's still amazing to hear the water in the shower.  Before, I could hear a sound but it was just a dull roar.  Now, I can identify when water hits the floor.  It's really strange.  Of course, I love being able to listen to music while I'm taking bubble baths. :)  Mostly, I'm noticing little things: hearing the kitchen timer or the door to my classroom or my dog breathing when he runs in the room.  The car radio is definitely better than it was at first.  Overall, it's WONDERFUL!

There's only one place I'm having trouble: Church.  Of all places, right? :)  All three Sundays since activation, I've left in tears and with a horrible headache.  Sunday nights and Wednesdays aren't as bad. I can hear the speaker pretty well and even the music, but the crowd noise is terrible.  It echoes and there's constant static.  I'm going for an adjustment on Friday and Megan (the audiologist) thinks she can fix it.  I'm supposed to sing alone tomorrow for the first time since activation...we'll see how that goes. :)

It's officially summer now and I am SO EXCITED to be in the water!!!  See, I hated being around people without my hearing aids.  I always felt so stupid when I couldn't hear and there were lots of embarrassing moments plus I get major anxiety in crowds when I can't hear.  So in the last several years, there are only about 10 people I've been willing to swim around or go to the beach with or do ANYTHING water related with.  Now...I can't wait. :)  I went swimming at my parents' house last night.  It was really incredible to be able to get in the water and put my head under and not worry about getting a hearing aid wet or how long it would take for my ear to dry before I could put the aid back in and ear infetions and all that jazz.  It was amazing to actually hear the water when I came out of it.   I decided yesterday that I'm going to try not wearing a hearing aid in my right ear and so far, it's good.  I definitely miss the volume and I know I'm not hearing as well as I would if I wore it, but even without it, my hearing is better than with two hearing aids before the Esteem.

So basically, I'm unbelievably thankful for this.  The adjustment has been MUCH easier than I expected.  I want to get the other ear done right now. :)

I Can Hear

How do I start this?  My life changed instantly on Friday.  I'd been told the Esteem was a "miracle" and "life changing" but there's just no way to describe this!  To really understand what I'm going to say, you have to watch this:




Hearing aids are wonderful.  They allowed me to function for 22 years.  For perspective, I'm "deaf enough" to have been in deaf school and to have ASL as my primary language.  Thankfully, my parents did not choose that route for me.  I know a lot of people prefer sign and I probably would if I knew how to sign - ha!  I am so thankful that hearing aids allowed me to speak and sing and enjoy music and live a "hearing" life.  But now...well, they suck.  I had NO CLUE how hard I was having to work just to hear!  My teachers always said I was super focused and now I know why.  It was so difficult!  In order to hear, I had to figure out where sound was coming from (which is impossible with hearing aids) then try to lip read.  Of course, if someone had facial hair or an accent or was covering their mouth or had irregular speech patterns, that was impossible.  Oh, and when people exaggerated their speech to "help" me lipread, it was the worst! Then, even with lipreading, I missed about half of the words people said.  So, I would listen to whole sentences and try to figure out what made sense in context.  I got it wrong a lot.  That is so embarrassing.  See, I would try to make sense of what I was hearing and then respond to what I thought I heard.  My responses didn't make sense...mortifying!!  Then take into account how many words sound alike.  I couldn't distinguish sounds in words in a normal conversation.  Basically, it was a guessing game.  And it was A LOT OF WORK. 

Fortunately, I didn't realize how difficult it was.  Hearing somewhat normally is AMAZING! I'll post some pictures and give some stats later, but the biggest thing is not that I hear soft sounds now, it's the quality.  Everything is so clear (well, except for church...eek!).  I can tell you how many voices are singing on the radio and distinguish the different instruments.  I heard the difference in an airplane and a helicopter and I didn't even know they sounded different before.  The shower sounds so weird - I can hear the individual drops of water hitting the floor, not just a roaring sound.  Speech is a lot clearer, too.  In fact, at activation, my dad was talking to me with his face behind his iPad and I could understand him.  If you don't know my dad, he mumbles ALL THE TIME.  It was great.  On Mother's Day, I was cooking in the kitchen and could talk to people with my back turned and from another room.  That would have been impossible before!! When I give reading assessments at school, I don't have to lipread.  We had a retirement ceremony at work on Monday and I heard the superintendent talking into a microphone (which covered his lips) and didn't have to ask anyone what he said.  Amazing!! I can even hear my dog drinking water from across the room.  I think my favorite thing is that I can take baths (which is basically my favorite thing ever!) and listen to music. :)  I'm also sleeping better.  I thought sleeping would be difficult, but I think I'm resting better because I know I'll be able to hear if anything happens at night.  It's pretty scary to go to sleep knowing you won't wake up if the smoke detector or alarm go off.  In short, this is all incredible.

Of course, there are downsides, too.:)  After activation, we went to Newport Pier so I could hear the ocean.  That was so cool - never realized there are so many different pitches and distinct sounds involved in the waves.  I can't wait to go to the beach and lay on the sand now!:)  We ate at a diner on the pier and I, stupidly, ordered fish and chips.  I had been warned not to eat anything crunchy because it would be so loud.  Oops.  I bit on the fish and froze - it was LOUD! :)  I'm getting used to chewing, but never dreamed eating salad would be distracting! :)  Certain sounds have a really weird static quality to them.  I'm not sure if it's the Esteem or if it's just the way everyone hears and I don't know how to tune it out yet. Clapping and laughing at church were pretty painful. The weirdest part has been getting used to my own voice.  It's much quieter for y'all but it's BOOMING inside my head!  Singing is really difficult because I hear myself now.  I sound different, too - very hollow.  I hope that changes with time or adjustments to the implant.

I LOVE that background noise is really in the background now.  Before, every little sound was amplified and it was really hard for me to listen to what I wanted to hear.  For instance, at Hobby Lobby, all I heard was the "clank clank clank" of the shopping cart wheels hitting the ground.  On Saturday, I could carry on a conversation with my mom while walking around the store and NOT lipreading.  That's a really big deal.  It's also great at work.  I'm able to focus on the kids I'm talking to and not the dull (ha!) roar that is a K/1 classroom.:)

I am so thankful for all of this.  Realizing how easy it is to hear now makes me even more grateful to have been able to function with hearing aids.  Our God is so faithful - He provided that for me for most of my life and now has made this possible.

Activation

I don't know how to describe today. I was hopeful beforehand but knew the reality. Most people don't get significant gain at activation and the adjustment is rough. I don't know about adjustment, of course, but I was told that 60 decibels is the maximum gain possible...and that's what I got today. That means I'm hearing at 20 dB (the normal range) at 4 frequencies. I've NEVER heard in the normal range. My speech reception threshold was 75 without hearing aids, 60 with hearing aids and now it's 35. They don't make hearing aids that powerful. When they tested my speech reception (repeating words), I got 56% at 50 dB. With my hearing aid, I got 0. At 65 dB, I got 100% of the words. The sound is really different, too. Megan (my wonderful audiologist!) set 3 different settings with 5 volume levels in each setting. I'm playing with the settings but on A, there is very little background noise. I can actually have a conversation in the car or at a restaurant. I'm not even lipreading. Hearing is already so much easier!

I'm EXHAUSTED! This has been wonderful but also very emotional and draining. I want to make sure to record all these little details though. :)

Weird things:
*hearing change drop into a parking meter
*listening to songs I know and realizing there are several people singing...not just the one I heard before
*eating!!!! I ordered fish and chips for lunch. The batter is crunchy and LOUD!
*I actually heard a hammer hitting a pipe...from across the street
*my own voice inside my head
*the ocean - I didn't realize how many different sounds there are
*helicopters - they sound different than airplanes!

A picture is worth a thousand words, right? The bottom line is unaided, middle is with a hearing aid and top is with the Esteem. Miraculous.

The Video

The first day of the rest of my life??

My activation is in 3 hours. Surprise! I've only told a few people outside of work. I'm writing this on the way to Newport but won't post it until later. Truth be told, I'm terrified. I've been so excited and open about all of this and now I'm afraid I'll be proved a fool. I'm well aware that today will probably be anti climactic and I will probably be very discouraged. That's normal because this is a HUGE CHANGE. But there's still lingering doubt...what if it doesn't work at all? (Side note: after a few hours in the car listening to my dad's music, that doesnt sound so bad!) What if there's scar tissue and I need another surgery? What if it does work but I never adjust? I had several nightmares last night. In each one, something major went wrong. It didn't work at all in one, I hated it in another and the doctor told me it would never be able to be activated in another. I'm a little tired today. :)

It's silly, I know. I'm 100% certain that God led me to this and He does not lead in error, but this journey is an emotional one. I am very change averse and the last few years have been full of change. Wait, the last few WEEKS have been full of change! It's still surreal that in a few hours, I won't be deaf anymore. I suppose it's fear of the unknown more than anything. the surgery wasn't scary because I knew what to expect. I know what swelling, pressure and pain feel like. But hearing? I have no idea what that's like. It's exciting and terrifying all at once.

4 weeks

Today marks 4 weeks since surgery! The weirdest thing happened yesterday! I had a horrible headache since Saturday but I thought it was from stresss. But... I was in the gym at work and suddenly felt my ear open and fluid rush into my head. My headache went away instantly. It was CREEPY! Since then, though, my ear feels open and I don't feel fluid moving when I swallow or yawn. I didn't realize I was still feeling pressure until it was gone! There was also a sonic boom right after...weird.

Our sweet school nurse has a tympanography machine and checked my ear pressure today. In the picture, my right (unimplanted) ear is on top. The numbers for my left ear are all in the normal range, which is good and surprising. It usually takes 4-6 weeks for pressure to return to normal and fluid to decrease. I'm very thankful to be healing well!

My "I Can Hear" Bucket List

Ridiculous, I know, but hearing without hearing aids and with natural sound opens up a whole new works for me and there's A LOT I want to experience! Here are some ideas off the top of my head:)

*lay on the beach and listen to the ocean
*go white water rafting
*drive up and down the 101 with the windows down (no wind microphone issues)
*go to a water park and not freak out
*go to concerts - all different kinds of music
*go to pro sports games (the crowds are so loud I can't really enjoy it now)
*learn to surf
*go tubing
*hang out by the pool...with other people
*run outside!!!!!
*learn to play my guitar
*go camping

Three Weeks!

I can't believe it's already been three weeks since surgery! I feel great! When the weather is bad, I can feel pressure in my ear but other than that, I'm 100% back to normal. The 3 week mark is a big deal because heavy lifting (ha!) and blowing my nose are allowed now. Y'all don't realize how difficult it is to not blow your nose for 3 weeks. I was also told to avoid sneezing if possible...and it's spring in the Valley!:). Fortunately, it hasn't been bad. I only sneezed twice the whole 3 weeks. It scared me the first time - lol!!

Everyone asks me if I'm excited about activation. I am, definitely, but I'm also scared. I know being able to hear well and all the time will be wonderful but being deaf is all I know. I'm not a fan of change in general so the idea freaks me out. I'm SO thankful for this opportunity and feel so unworthy and just in awe of what God is doing...but it's overwhelming, too. The surgery was a lot less frightening. I knew what to expect. Activation is different, though. Everyone has a different experience. Some people have those great super emotional "I love this already!" activations but a lot of people hate it at first. See, hearing with hearing aids is nothing like normal hearing. What I hear all the time is what you hear through speakers. Of course, I don't know any different so it doesn't bother me, but this will be a HUGE adjustment.

Just to illustrate what being deaf is like...one morning last week, I was getting ready for work, so I had turned on an oscillating fan and my hair dryer. I got ready and unplugged them both, then I flushed the toilet. When I put my hearing aid in, I heard a noise and was sure it was the blow dryer. I checked and it wasn't. Then I checked the fan...not that either. It was the sound of water running in the toilet. I can't distinguish those sounds. They're all alike to me.

I don't say any of this to complain. I've been so blessed and hearing the difference between a blow dryer, fan and toilet is not exactly important. :). The Esteem is miraculous, though, and in order to show how life changing it is, I have to try and describe what hearing with hearing aids is like. The apostle Paul was afflicted with a "thorn of the flesh" that most people believe was vision loss. He said, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV. That's my prayer, that God will be glorified through this. It is ONLY possible through the power of Christ and I am so humbled that He is demonstrating His power through me.

Recovery pics, day 21:

Photo collage

It's been 2 1/2 weeks now.  I feel normal!  Honestly, if it weren't for being able to feel the device in my head, I wouldn't notice anything different.  The incision isn't even noticable now and my neck is back to its normal pasty white. :)  I made a collage of pictures from the first 2 weeks. It's disgusting, I know, but I want it all documented. :)  I'm also posting a picture of my audiogram.  Normal hearing is from 0-20 decibels. As you can see, I am nowhere near that.  I never told people how severe my hearing loss is before the Esteem because I didn't want to sound whiny.  Yes, my hearing is *really* bad, but I'm very fortunate to have the hearing that I do!!

Two Weeks

I can't believe it's been two weeks since surgery! The first week was kinda rough, I have to admit. Going back to work wasnt fun, but if I had taken a week off, it probably would have been fine. This week has been great! I've had a BUSY week at work plus something to do every night but I feel great! I have energy again and I'm not in pain (unless a tall guy side hugs me and crushes my skull *coughMATTcough*). I don't notice the device all the time but I feel pressure. It feels like I have my sunglasses on top of my head.

I'm in awe. This still feels like a dream. Every time my fingers touch the Esteem, I'm reminded of this amazing gift. It is unreal that 2 years ago, I had a conversation with a friend about how I was sure there wouldn't be any new "fix" for hearing loss in my lifetime and now, not only is it available, it's inside me. :)

2 week incision/bruising pics below. Is my surgeon incredible or what?!?!

9 days after surgery

I feel great today!! I finally slept well and woke up energized. :). I also washed, dried and straightened my hair. That might not seem like a big deal but it was painful when I tried that earlier this week! Today, it didn't hurt at all!:) I'm amazed how well the incision is healing!

Back to Normal (for now!)

I finally feel like myself today!! The recovery from surgery has been very easy overall. It's nothing when you consider what I'm gaining. I do want to be completely open, though, because I know a few people who are considering getting the Esteem or who have upcoming surgeries reading this. It helped me to know what to expect! After surgery...

*My throat hurt. I had no idea it would hurt that bad. Apparently, the anesthesiologist puts the breathing tube in the throat for 4 hours with NO lubrication whatsoever. It hurt. A lot.

*You have to wait a long time for "happy juice." I thought they would give it to me as soon as I got to the surgery center, but noooo...they had to wait on the doctor to get there. It was worth the wait, though. :)

*My allergies improved. Seriously. I was not expecting this at all, but I'm super glad! I usually have horrible seasonal allergies but in the week since surgery, I haven't had any problems. I was told to expect them to be worse and my doctor wrote a few prescriptions but I'm breathing easier than I have in a loooong time! :)

*Bruising - oh my gosh. I knew my neck would be sore because of the way they have to position the head during surgery, but I had no idea I'd look like I'd been strangled. Fortunately, I find it funny. :) About 3 days after surgery, yellow bruises showed up all along my neck, from my ear to my collarbone. There was also some bruising around the ear itself. It is UGLY!

*No incision pain! I thought the incision would be sore, but it hasn't been at all. It's also not nearly as disgusting as I expected, though Brynna thinks my "ouchie" is "ucky!" :)

*The implant feels WEIRD. I know it's really very small, but it seems a lot bigger now that it's in my skull. :) I'll attach some pictures, but it's a flat, roundish device. Feeling it on my head is one of the creepiest things I've ever experienced. Anytime I brush my hair back, I touch it and get weirded out. :) Even more than that, though, is the feeling in my head. Until today, I felt it constantly. It hurt at first, but then it was just a constant pressure sensation. It felt like my skull was being crushed and the skin was stretching. I guess both of those are kinda true. :) On Easter, my brother's girlfriend wanted to feel the implant, but when she did, she screamed, "Oh my gosh, you have a giant lump on your head!" Hilarious moment! It's definitely an odd feeling. It's also wonderful because every time I touch it, I remember what a miracle this is!

*The sensation in my ear is odd, too. My outer ear is numb and will be for a long time. My ear canal feels strange, though. It kinda feels like I have a hearing in it, even though I do not. :) Also, ears get COLD. You don't know that when you wear hearing aids!

*Swallowing felt weird. You know that feeling when you're in the mountains and your ears are full of fluid? It was kinda like that. Every time I swallowed, the fluid moved around and it was a little painful and very weird. Today, I don't notice that at all.

*People are so nice when you're going to have surgery! :) I'm not gonna lie, all the sweet comments from people have been fantastic. (Narcissistic much, right??) :)

*Washing my hair is difficult. Obviously, it's hard to wash the incision site because it hurts to touch it, but I didn't realize how much the shape of my head would change. Seriously, y'all, it feels so foreign now! I actually have to think about how to wash my hair!

*I am tired. I don't know if it's lingering anesthesia or my body recovering from the surgery or just going back to work, but I am so so tired. I had a lot more energy today...and then it rained. At school. Know what's more exhausting than surgery? Teaching kindergarten when they don't get recess.

*It's still not real. I know that my whole world is going to change in 7 weeks. It's terrifying and exciting all at once. You would think that, with this giant lump on my head, everything would seem real, but it doesn't. All my life, I've worn hearing aids and all my life, I've been told I always would. That was fine. :) This whole journey is amazing in so many ways and I'm so thankful that God has brought me here...but it still seems like a dream sometimes.

*Sleep is impossible. I can usually sleep on either side, but with the implant, I can only sleep on my right side (not left side or back) or the pressure hurts. Of course, now that I can't sleep on my right side, that's all I want to do. :) Lack of sleep is probably the real reason I'm so tired.

*It hurt. The Envoy website says that patients experience pressure and not pain. That's a lie. But I'd rather experience the pain for months than go for one day without hearing aids. If you wear hearing aids, you understand that. Going without them is HORRIBLE. I'd rather go through the surgery and recovery many many times than deal with one day without hearing.


I feel really good today, a week later. I'm still tired but I don't "feel" the implant all.day.long. like I did before. I can bend over and swallow and chew normally now. I'm still bruised but really not in pain at all. I feel normal. But normal is about to change big time. :)

Monday night

Tuesday

Wednesday - the incision is healing and my neck is turning black :)

• Thursday morning.  At least I look tough! :)

Healing

It's been 5 days since surgery and I feel great!! The incision site is tender and it hurts if I touch the skin over the implant, but there is no pain in my ear or neck or jaw now.  I can feel the fluid moving in the middle ear and there's a sense of occlusion (like something is in the ear canal), but there's no pain.  My outer ear is still numb and may stay that way for months.  As you can see, my neck is turning into a nice big bruise!  It's weird, though.  I kept telling my mom it felt like my neck and jaw were bruised but we couldn't see a bruise.  Then last night, I realized my neck felt better then saw the color. :)  Maybe the muscle was bruised?  I don't know.  I'm really shocked at how quickly I'm healing!  A man on the Esteem Facebook group posted pictures of his actual procedure (ick!) and I feel tough for going through that ha!  Let me know if you want to see pictures.  I'll find some.  :)  As soon as I saw how much of the skull was exposed, I realized exactly why my muscles were so sore!

This is basically another photo dump page for anyone who is considering getting an Esteem.  The surgery is pretty invasive, but the recovery has not been bad!  Knowing what to expect helped me tremendously before my surgery and I hope my experience can help someone else!

Sunday night, 3 days after surgery

Monday - 4 days after surgery
The yellow is a bruise.  My fingers are outlining the actual implant, which I can feel anytime I touch my head!

These are from Easter Sunday.  Note a few things: The swelling isn't totally obvious, but I couldn't smile normally. :)  And look at my shoes: Clearly, I was doing well to walk in those. :)

I washed my hair tonight (YAY!!!) and this pic is just to show that you cannot see the outline of the implant when my hair is covering it.  My hand is outlining it again.