Ten percent done!

Today is day 18. That's 10% of 6 months. The last two weeks have been...well, nightmarish. I knew it was going to be bad, but I didn't think it would be this bad. The Esteem has completely changed my life. I knew that, of course, but I didn't realize just how much until now. Logically, I know I can do this. I did it for 26 years and I was fine. It's so hard now, though. I know what I'm missing. I realize that feeling so isolated and like I never fit in isn't ME; it's being deaf. All my life, I thought I was a recluse but that's just hearing loss. The worst part of all of this is that I've slipped right back into that insecure, anxious mentality. I feel lost all the time, like I am in a bubble. I HATE it. 

I never made friends easily before the Esteem. I didn't feel like anyone liked me. Now I realize that's because of the communication barrier that always existed. In January, I had the opportunity to meet some wonderful new friends. I spent very limited amounts of time with them but I felt like I belonged. That's so new for me. This is an excerpt from a sweet email from one of those new friends...

She's talking about me. For real. :) I've never been the type to attract people (other than really creepy guys, of course). That's the miracle of the Esteem. That's what I miss. It was incredible to not feel isolated all the time. Being thrown back into that is torture. 

Surprisingly, work is the easiest thing right now. My kids are great. They know everything that's going on and are fascinated. :) Today, one of them cheered because my "owie is gone." :) It's frustrating for all of us when I can't understand them, but it's nothing compared to other situations. Church is the worst. I hate that I can't talk to people. I try but I can't understand. I feel like an idiot because I respond to what I think I hear, which is not usually what the person actually said. :) 

My friends and family have been wonderful. My mom is using her court reporting skills to caption Sunday school for me and her friend Lesia has offered to remotely caption anything i need. My daddy has adjusted the sound system at church to allow me to use an in-ear and sing. On Sunday night, that device died while I was on stage. It was tough. When I sat down, I couldn't help crying. A sweet little girl sitting behind me came up to hug me in the middle of the service. How precious is that?!?  I feel very loved and very lonely at the same time. The blessing in all of this is that I know how to explain what I'm feeling now. I know it's not me and that I'm not really an outsider. It's my hearing loss. For the first 26 years of my life, I thought I was just that weird and no one liked me. Imagine watching people talk and laugh and never knowing what they're saying or laughing about. Being deaf means you are always an outsider. That's the cruel truth of hearing loss. 

I went to see my incredible surgeon yesterday. I thank God for him every day. See the clip from an email he sent me below. I've never known a doctor to be so invested in his patients. It makes ALL the difference.  He says things look great. I feel fantastic physically. There's no pain, swelling or bleeding at all. I was also fitted with a BI-CROS hearing aid system. I'm wearing 2 BTE hearing aids but the right one is essentially just a microphone. It picks up sound on the right side and transmits it to the left aid. It also amplifies, which is helpful because my left ear still has a mild-moderate hearing loss even with the Esteem.  I was hopeful that this would help, but...well, it's a hearing aid and it sounds like it. So far, I'm finding that one Esteem is much better than any kind of hearing aid. 

That's the amazing thing. The Esteem is worth all of this. There was never a day that passed that I wasn't on my knees thanking God for this miracle when I had 2 working devices. Believe it or not, this has served to make me even more thankful. I don't know how I managed to survive with hearing aids for so long. They're horrible! One Esteem and one deaf ear is far better than 2 top-notch hearing aids. It's a whole new life for me...and I miss that life. 

Incision site today...

On a side note, I received a VERY nasty email after my last blog. I don't mean to insult or offend anyone, but I am honest. I am NOT a member of the deaf community. I will refrain from sharing my (strong) feelings about that, but please know that I actually live with hearing loss every day. Unless you've done it, you can't understand. I pray that you never have to understand. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Until I gained hearing, I didn't know how hard it is to be deaf. So please refrain from telling me about how lots of deaf people are happy. It really doesn't help. The grace of my Savior is sustaining...but this is hard. It hurts and it's awful and I do not appreciate being told that I shouldn't feel this way.