The last week has been the worst of my life and the bad part hasn't even started. That sounds dramatic and I've been told that I'm bring dramatic. It that's the case, I think I have that right. You see, I was deaf for 26 years. I didn't know any different and I made the best of it. I thought hearing aids gave me a normal life and I was thankful for that. But I was so, so wrong.
When I got my first implant and realized how much I had been missing, I realized just how difficult life was when I was deaf. I was isolated and withdrawn. I missed out on so many things. If I try to name them all, I'll fall apart. I am SO THANKFUL for this miracle. Other than Jesus, it's the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
I've made it my mission to glorify God and praise Him for this. I know that "every good and perfect gift" comes from Him. He blessed me beyond measure with this and I praised Him.
But now He's taking it away. I don't believe that God causes bad things to happen but I do know that He could stop this. But He's not. It feels so cruel. So unjust. Really, it's just downright mean. Why let me taste of how incredible life can be just to force me back to the way it was before? It's not right and I am hurting.
But God is good. He is good when this life is unbearably hard. He is good when I've cried until I can't cry any longer. He is good when the fear of the isolation that I know is coming (I've done this before, remember?) is so overwhelming I can't breathe. He is good. I don't understand. I want answers. But I know that my Father is good.
"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job 1:21 ESV)
Jill,
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you today. There is no way for me to possibly fathom what you are facing, but I can tell you that we have and still have those same thoughts concerning Melissa's cancer. Many times we have felt your exact words, "I don't believe that God causes bad things to happen but I do know that He could stop this. But He's not. It feels so cruel. So unjust. Really, it's just downright mean."
We have come to the same conclusion as you...God is good. There are many things that I don't think we will really ever understand. Two things I know are true: 1. We live is a messed up, broken world, 2. God will ultimately fix it all.
In the mean time, it can be excruciatingly painful, and I'm sorry that you are experiencing that right now. We've been there, and, at times, are still there. I will continue to pray for "the peace of God that passes ALL UNDERSTANDING" as you face this pain that is beyond our understanding.