That's what today has been. I'm writing this to avoid telling the story hundreds of times because I have been crying for the past 8 hours and can't handle telling the story over and over.
This morning, when I woke up, my hair was really matted and there was a lot of blood on my pillow. I realized that the skin broke over my right implant (the one I just had surgery on in December). It's a teeny tiny hole right now, but it has been bleeding a tiny bit all day. Of course, I was really scared, so I called Dr. Shohet. He called back right away and we've been emailing most of the day. The short version is this: I'm having surgery this week to remove the battery on the implant to allow the skin to heal. I will be completely deaf in that ear for 6 months, at which point Dr. Shohet will attach the battery again in another very minor surgery.
I'm a wreck. I know that God is faithful and nothing surprises him. I also know how horrible it is to be deaf. DO NOT LISTEN to the deaf community. It SUCKS. The loneliness is overwhelming. Now that I know how amazing this world is when I can hear, the thought of going back to no hearing is pretty horrifying. No, it's unbelievably horrifying. I was at work when I got the news and my parents had to come pick me up because I couldn't drive. It's that bad. I turn into this horrible, anxious mess. I can't do anything because it's MISERABLE to be around people and feel so lost all the time. I will still have hearing in one ear, fortunately, but this is the exact situation I was in for 10 weeks after my second surgery. I hated it. Furthermore, I am really struggling with the recent pattern in my life of being given amazing blessings then having them (very painfully) ripped away. Seeing my dreams shattered over and over is painful. I covet your prayers.
I am very thankful for my parents stepping in to rescue me, but hate being such a bother to them. I'm 28...I should have a husband to take care of me by now, but I can't seem to find a man who wants me. Going through things like this alone is very, very challenging.
I am very thankful for the sweet texts and phone calls from the friends I've told already. Really, it means so much that you care. Please forgive me if I did not respond or did not answer the phone. I'm not up to talking but I am so blessed by your concern.
Another positive note is this: The Esteem is amazing. When this is done, I will have had FOUR surgeries for one ear within 2 years. And I don't hesitate at all to have them. My ONLY concern when I talked to Dr. Shohet today was how soon the battery could be reattached. Of course, I have the option of having the whole device explanted, my middle ear reconstructed and going back to a hearing aid...but there's no way I would choose to do that now. For those of you considering the Esteem, do it. It's absolutely worth a few bumps in the road.
I know that all of this will work out and that God is good and that He works everything for good...but today, I'm really hurting.
No comments:
Post a Comment