Revision

Friday morning, I had a minor procedure to relocate my right Esteem.  Admittedly, it's hurt quite a bit more than I expected, but I'm doing very well.  The whole surgery experience was great this time!  After my surgery last December, I was pretty nervous about dealing with the surgery center again, but they actually filed the right paperwork with insurance this time and all of the nurses were wonderful.  I even had the same pre-op nurse and anesthesiologist that I had for both of my other surgeries.  I begged both of them to NOT let Dr. S remove the implant, even if it was infected or doing damage.  That was my big fear! When Dr. Shohet arrived at the surgery center, he was pretty shocked at how bad the skin around the implant looked.  See, the implant and somehow come loose inside my head and moved to the back of my neck. It should be just behind and above my ear.  He confirmed that it was "mobile" and needed to be moved.  In fact, he said if we had waited much longer, the skin would have broken.  I can't even imagine how awful that would have been! They gave me the option of being sedated instead of using general anesthesia, but Dr. S wasn't sure what he would have to do, so we went with general.  Fortunately, they used a much lighter dose this time and I woke up really easily.  The post-op nurse was wonderful and gave me 3 cans of apple juice so I didn't pass out this time either! :)  She also gave me plenty of pain medicine via IV, unlike the awful nurse I had last year who refused to give me pain meds or juice.

In surgery, Dr. Shohet did not even disconnect the wires on the implant.  He didn't have to drill out more space in my skull either.  Basically, he just opened up the same incision and moved the sound processor back to where it was originally, but this time he stitched it to the bone.  I didn't know that was possible, but apparently it is. :)  He did say there was no sign of infection but some of the fluid was cloudy so he took a sample just to make sure.  The device stayed on the entire time and I woke up hearing out of it.  We came home that day and I felt really good.  Yesterday, I was pretty groggy and sore but the pain meds are helping a lot.  I am only taking Tylenol for pain today because I have to go direct the church choir in a few minutes, but I feel pretty ok.  Interestingly enough, this feels a lot like my first surgery.  My throat hurts, my neck is sore and I'm really swollen, but I'm so grateful that I can hear.  It's absolutely worth it!  As you can see, my head already looks MUCH better.

In recovery

                

Minor Complicatiom

As always, I want to be brutally honest on here. I hope that this blog is (first off) a testimony to the goodness and power of God and (second) a source for prospective patients to get real information about the Esteem experience. Y'all know I LOVE my implants and an BEYOND thankful for them. However, I've had some problems with my second implant. Surgery was rough, recovery was no fun and the ear pressure is STILL not normal. You've read that. What most people don't know is that the pain from the surgery never went away. It's been almost a year so I was starting to get concerned. I also noticed it seems to have moved in my head (the sound processor, not the middle ear components.) I mentioned that last week when I went for a hearing test and, long story short, I'm going to have a MINOR revision surgery next Friday to reposition the device. It should be quick with very little recovery. I can keep the device on the entire time and the dr won't even adjust anything in my ear, just the sound processor. Obviously, I'm not looking forward to it, but I'm thankful that Dr. Shohet and the wonderful MaryKay were able to schedule surgery quickly and that this should stop the pain. My biggest fear was that my body is rejecting the device (which it kinda is) and it would have to be removed. Thankfully, that is not happening. God is so good! I would appreciate your prayers on Friday the 13th!

This is what the implant site looks like right now. It should not protrude so much or be red and swollen. To compare, this is my left implant:

In EXCITING news, Envoy contacted me a while back and asked me to speak at a seminar for prospective patients. It was a blast!! What a joy to share this journey and see others who may get to experience this as well!

Bone conduction testing..so fun!

Sometimes I Forget

Sometimes I forget just how blessed I really am.  Being able to hear is my normal now, which is an incredible gift...but I never want to take it for granted.  The past few weeks have been REALLY stressful for me, with a LOT going on in my life that is very unpleasant and it looks like things are going to get a lot worse before they better.  It's so easy to dwell on the negatives and the stress and wonder why God doesn't just intervene.  Then TWICE in the last week, I went to parties with big groups of total strangers and enjoyed it.  That is amazing!  God is so good and has blessed beyond my wildest dreams.  Two years ago, I had never even heard of the Esteem.  I was very much a loner who only wanted to be around a few select people because it was safe.  I could never have imagined willingly subjecting myself to big groups of strangers much less having fun in that situation.  Really, y'all, that was my worst nightmare before.  At one of the parties this week, I hardly saw the ONE person I actually knew before the party.  While I would love to have spent more time with people who are dear to me, it brings me to tears to think that I was able to go into a room of total strangers and be comfortable introducing myself and making small talk.  Small talk is a BIG DEAL when you're deaf.  It's so hard to talk to people and try to figure out new speech patterns and accents.  Then last night, I was comfortable being the center of attention a few times.  REALLY!  God is so good and He leads us.  I need to remember that now, when things don't seem so rosy and sunshiny.  He IS faithful, He HAS blessed and He will continue to do so!

Latest and Greatest

This is loooong overdue, but I went for a follow-up audiogram/Esteem testing back in August and got excellent results!!!  I was very, very nervous that I would need a revision surgery to remove scar tissue because of the feedback I was getting at higher volume levels.  Thankfully, the sensor and driver are both working extremely well and there is no evidence of scar tissue!  I was also anxious to see my tympanogram.  For some reason, my right ear did not heal well and my tympanogram (movement of the ear drum) was flat for months.  As of August, it was still reduced, but not flat.  A flat tymp means that the eardrum is not moving at all.  A reduced tymp means that it's moving some, but not like it should.  Even with a reduced tymp, however, my hearing results were INCREDIBLE!!!!  On the pure tone test (the "beep" test), I was at normal levels through 2000Hz  - amazing.  My left ear, which healed quickly and easily, is not testing as well now, mostly due to a program change.  In order to reduce the feedback in the right ear, the audiologist changed my main program.  It's very complicated and technical (though if you are an Esteem patient and want the details, email me), but I'm not hearing quite as well in my left ear now.  The trade-off is that I don't get constant whistling in my right ear, so it's definitely worth it. 

Pure tone (beep) testing is great and all, but what I really care about is understanding speech.  Normal conversation is about 50 decibels.  With my hearing aids, I could hear ZERO words at 50 dB in my left ear and about 60% in my right.  Not great.  Remember, those numbers are in a soundproof booth as well...not real life, especially for a teacher.  Now, at 50 dB, I can understand 88% of words in my left ear and 92% in my right.  That is nothing short of amazing.  If you look at the graph below, the pickle shape is where speech sounds fall.  In my right ear, I'm getting most of them now.  I still miss /s/ and /th/ and a few others, but it's an INCREDIBLE improvement over my pre-implant levels, as you can see.  God is so faithful.

Healer

I've loved the song Healer for a long time. I absolutely believe that God is Jehovah Jireh - the God who heals. Experiencing that in my own life, though, brings a whole new meaning to the song. Today, I sang that in church AND played the guitar. Before my surgeries, I couldn't play the guitar. My guitar sat in my room for years. Now, thanks to my new ears and a great guitar teacher, I am able to stand up in church and proclaim that God IS my healer. He is so good!

I also noticed today that I can hear the pages in our worship binder turning. I suppose that means my right ear is FINALLY healing!:) Actually, I think flying several times over the last few weeks helped a lot. The feedback is greatly reduced and I can leave it on volume 2 at night now. For several weeks, I had to turn it to 0 at night. This healing has been a long time coming, but it's worth it! 

I'm finally going back for more hearing tests on Friday. I'm very nervous, as always. (Megan, if you're reading this, I MISS YOU!!!) The new audiologist is good, too, and very sweet. It's just always scary to see the actual numbers. I know my quality of life is dramatically improved but I want the numbers to show it, too. :). Fortunately, we have a super awesome day planned after the appointment, including a Willie Nelson concert. That's another thing that would not have been fun with hearing aids. Yes, God is good. If you think of it, please keep me in your prayers  on Friday. 

The Negative

The Esteem has been nothing short of miraculous.  It is wonderful and life changing and unbelievable.  I could ramble on for hours about the amazing ways it has affected me for good. 

But I want to be honest on here.  There are some definitely negatives to this experience.  Of course, the expense and the pain of surgery and the adjustment period are big downsides and I expected those.  There have been a few other negatives that I didn't expect, though.  Let's elaborate...

1) Sensory overload - With my first Esteem, I didn't get too much of this.  The adjustment was smooth and healing was fast.  The second go round has been a completely different story.  I think the ear is FINALLY starting to heal and suddenly things are LOUD.  I mean, REALLY LOUD.  I don't have the right Esteem on full volume but some days, it is so loud, I can barely stand it.  Being in Oklahoma this week has set my allergies off like crazy which means some days are good hearing days and some are bad.  Today was a good hearing day........but then we went to a BBQ.  Everything was so loud and overwhelming I wanted to crawl into a hole.  Unfortunately, I only knew a few people there, so I didn't have familiar voices and there was so much noise, I couldn't stand it.  I tried plugging my ears and turning my Esteems down, but nothing worked.  I got a horrible headache within 15 minutes and was actually nauseated just from the sensory overload.  It was NOT fun.  Obviously, when I think about it rationally, I'm amazed that I can hear all of those sounds and that anything can be loud enough for me to feel overwhelmed by sound, but at the time, it was miserable.  I didn't expect that, especially not 7 months after my second surgery.

2) Personality changes and social changes

This one is complicated.  I like studying personalities and knowing my "types."  Before my surgeries, I was VERY introverted.  I thought that was my personality, but it turns out that I found it draining to be around people because HEARING required so much energy.  Now, I'm an ENFJ.  Look it up.  It's totally me.  Adjusting to be extroverted has been really, really hard, though.  I really did not enjoy being around people before my Esteems so I have a very small circle of friends.  Now I want to be around people ALL.THE.TIME but it's hard to make more friends as a grown up.  I also have the social skills of a deaf person.  No offense intended, but it's really challenging to socialize when you can't hear...and it's really hard to overcome that later in life.  Part of being deaf is knowing that you don't really fit in.  You can't hear what people are saying, so you miss out on a lot of conversation and IT SUCKS.  It really was the worst part of hearing loss for me.  I had enough hearing to know I was missing out on something, but felt ostracized most of the time.  It's not because my friends were jerks; I just knew that I couldn't follow the conversations and was always left out.  That's not the case anymore, but learning to make new friendships and overcome the crazy fear of being excluded and rejected has been REALLY, REALLY challenging.  I definitely did not expect overwhelming loneliness to be part of this Esteem journey, but it is.  Before all of this, I needed alone time because people were exhausting.  Now, alone time is lonely and that is just no fun at all. 


Please know that the incredible joy this journey has brought me and the amazing freedom outweigh ALL the negative a million times over.  It's been surreal and magnificent...I read Fancy Nancy today and the adjectives are sticking apparently. :)  I do want to be 100% honest, though.  Lots of people read this from all over the world (which is crazy to me...but welcome, y'all!) and you need to know what you're in for with the Esteem.  It's not all sunshine and roses and smiley faces.  It is the most incredible experience I've ever had, though, and I thank God for this blessing every day.

Freedom

I started this post last week while I was in New York and have soooo much more to add from this week!  Let me preface it by saying this: I got the Esteem for ONE reason.  I wanted the freedom to do things without dealing with hearing aids (water parks, traveling with people, swimming, listening to music in the shower, etc.).  I did not expect to get better hearing than I had with hearing aids (though I did get that).  This post is all about how much freedom the Esteem has given me!

From last week:

As dramatic as it may sound, the Esteem has really given me a new lease on life.  It’s been a 14 months since my first activation and I feel like a completely different person in so many ways.  I’ve always been an active girl, ready to try new things and go new places, but only if I was with someone with whom I felt comfortable.  You see, when you can’t hear, it’s really scary to be somewhere new.  Think about all of the times you have to hear instructions or information.  When I was 14, my family went to Hawaii and we had a BLAST on a tour through the rain forest.  It was awesome, but I would never, ever, ever have been able to go on a group tour without someone I know.  I never wanted to go beach camping because water meant taking my hearing aids out and that was miserable.  The anxiety that comes with not hearing is pretty intense.  Of course, I never realized that was WHY I felt so uncomfortable and scared in new situations without a familiar person.  I thought that was just me. 

            Yesterday, I was in Niagara Falls.  I had been in New York for a conference so I decided to drive over and see the falls.  I had planned on going by myself (that wasn’t scary) but got talked into doing a tour…and LOVED IT.  I was on a bus with 20 people I had never met before and somehow became the social butterfly of the group.  Shocking, right?!?!  I also managed to get hit on by a 60-year-old…those of you who know my tendencies in dating are not surprised by that, I’m sure!  All of that aside, after a few hours of talking to these complete strangers and even posing for pictures with them (really!), it hit me.  I would never have been able to do that before.  What I thought was just a natural shyness was really due to my hearing loss.  My eyes are filling with tears as I type this.  What an amazing gift God has given me!

 Tonight:

This week, I've been in Oklahoma with my darling little Gavyn and Brynna.  I have to upload all of the pictures when I get home and I'll edit this post to show some, but here's the big news: We went to a water park for two days.  We stayed at the Great Wolf Lodge in Dallas, which has a huge indoor water park.  First off, we stayed in a hotel.  That is a crazy experience for me.  How do y'all sleep in hotels when you can't turn your ears down??  It is LOUD!  Next, I stayed in a hotel WITH PEOPLE and didn't have a panic attack once.  I hated being with people overnight when I wore hearing aids.  Once I took them out, I was completely cut off from everyone.  It was miserable.  Now, it's not. :)  Then...the water park!  We spent hours playing in the water, taking silly pictures of ourselves under water and going on water slides.  I got to do it...all of it...and enjoy it.  I wasn't freaking out about not hearing the kids or feeling left out of everything.  It was just normal and fun.  Normal and fun is kinda what I was hoping for. :)

While we were in Dallas, I finally got to meet Ashton, another Esteem recipient.  Believe it or not, I had never met another person who has an Esteem in real life.  I used to be part of a support group on Facebook but left that because of some nastiness toward other people.  It was awesome to finally meet someone!  Of course, Brynna had to be in on the action, so Ashton had more of an adventure than she'd planned for - haha! :)  

This week has been BUSY.  Of course, if you know me, you're not surprised. :)  I like to be on the go constantly.  The big hearing related fun has been our "camp outs."  Gavyn (6) & Brynna (4) want to have camp outs every night.  This was NOT an option when I wore hearing aids.  Needless to say, we've had a camp out every night this week. :)  We pile onto an air mattress or one of their (twin size...) beds and watch movies and giggle until they fall asleep.  I'm supposed to be "camping out" right now but I couldn't sleep.  No one tell Brynna I got out of bed.  She ordered me to stay in bed until she wakes up! :)  

Going to a water park or having sleep-overs with my niece and nephew may not seem like a big deal, but to me, this is HUGE.  I would have been so stressed by both of those things before my surgeries.  It really is the little things in life that matter and the Esteem gives me the freedom to enjoy those little things!

Lately

There isn't much to report, but my whistling ear is keeping me awake, so I figured I would update this. :) I've been having some problems with my new Esteem. It's nothing major but the implant whistles A LOT. It's been doing that for quite a while, but last week, I noticed it was getting worse. After a VERY stressful morning, the wonderful MaryKay at Dr. Shohet's office calmed me down and I plan to see the audiologist next month. I hope the issue is the super slow healing process. I know there's still fluid in the ear, which can push the ear drum against the wires and cause feedback. I hope it's just fluid and not scar tissue. If it is scar tissue, I would need a revision surgery. Obviously, surgery does not sound appealing, mostly because I would have to deal with the awful surgery center again. They are not pleasant folks! 

 The amazing thing is that, even with the difficulties I'm having and the possibility of another surgery, I cannot believe how blessed I am to experience this. Is it perfect? Obviously it is not, but it's incredible. A little (or a lot of) whistling inside my head is a very small price to pay for the ability to hear. Oddly enough, being awake at night because the whistling is worse when in lying down forces me to think about how miraculous this is. Who would have ever thought noise would keep me awake?!?!? I certainly never did. 

God is so good, y'all!

A Whole New World

That's what the Esteem has provided for me - a whole new world!  You can thank me later for having that song stuck in your head now - haha! :)  I've started so many blog posts and never seem to finish them because I just don't know how to put all of this into words.  There have been some pretty major developments in the last few weeks, so I guess I should share!

1) BIG NEWS: Anthem Blue Cross covered my 2nd Esteem at MORE THAN 100%!  There were MAJOR issues with the surgery center and insurance this time around.  The surgery center neglected to fill out the right paperwork then called and demanded $19,400 the night before my surgery.  Seriously.  But, y'all, God is so good.  I had that money saved from the reimbursement the first time.  Normally, I don't have money like that sitting in my savings account, but He provided.  Anyway, when the surgery center filed with insurance they billed for the correct total ($39,000 - SERIOUSLY!) but did NOT use the code for the Esteem device, just for the surgery.  Needless to say, they did not get reimbursed for much....so neither did I.  About a week ago, I got word that they corrected their claim to include the code for the Esteem and Anthem reimbursed the surgery center $21,700 for the device.  Now I just have to get reimbursed from them...which should be fun, considering they still haven't reimbursed me from the first surgery.  I am also still fighting Anthem to cover the surgeon's portion of the surgery, which they did the first time, but not the second.  Good times, y'all!  As stressful as all of this is, BlueCross covered TWO Esteem surgeries in California!  That is groundbreaking!

*Note: I am being VERY open with dollar figures here, which makes me nervous, but there are several potential Esteem patients reading this who need to know details.  If you are a patient and want the codes used, please email me and I will gladly share everything with you!  When I had my first surgery, God provided every step of the way, even when it seemed impossible to me to come up with $30,000.  He IS our provider and sometimes He uses insurance companies. :)*

2) PR: I got a call from my surgeon's office (His office manager is one of my favorite people in the whole world!!!!!) asking if I would be willing to be involved in some publicity for Envoy, the company that makes the Esteem.  Yeah, me.  You can stop laughing now. :)  I am SO not a good speaker and I don't particularly enjoy talking to grown-ups, but God has performed a miracle in my life and if I am given an opportunity to glorify Him, I have to take it.  I also want to get the word out about the Esteem.  It still overwhelms me to think of this incredible change in my life and how it all came about because a girl I went to high school with (Hi, Tori!) watched Good Morning, America one day.  If I can share this incredible opportunity with other people, I will.  The same day that I got confirmation that Anthem covered the device, a representative from Envoy called and now I'm just waiting to hear from the PR firm.  I have no idea what this will entail and I'm kinda scared to death, but I pray that God will use me to glorify Him and to open doors for other people to experience this.

3) New experiences:  After a year of hearing, you'd think that I would run out of new experiences, but that has NOT been the case at all!  Just today, a group from church was working on our float for the Memorial Day parade and one of the guys was joking around with kids in the backyard of the house while I was standing in the garage.  I couldn't understand every word he said, but I got a lot of it.  I didn't think anything of it until a lady said, "Even Jill heard that!"  Little moments like that still amaze me.  I even went on a motorcycle ride two weeks ago!  That would never have been fun for me with hearing aids.  The wind noise would have been unbearable if I'd kept hearing aids in and nothing was fun if I didn't have my hearing aids in.  We rode a motorcycle up to Sequoia National Park and found a great little meadow there.  Standing in this meadow, in the middle of God's beautiful creation, listening to the water in little streams...our God is so good!  Now I'm crying again! :)

4) Healing: My ear is still not healed.  I haven't tested my tympanograms since activation, but I can tell there's improvement because I don't hear fluid in my ear.  I can tell it's not completely healed because the Esteem still whistles a lot.  It is so weird to hear whistling inside my head.  Unfortunately, this whistling usually starts about 4:30 a.m.  It's a very convenient alarm clock, I suppose. :)  I will go back for hearing testing this summer and that should provide more information about the healing process.  It's completely normal to heal slowly.  Even with the diminished quality and the whistling, though, it's 100 times better than a hearing aid ever was.

I know I say it over and over again, but this has been life-changing.  I am a completely different person than I was a year ago.  Life is just so much easier when I don't have to struggle to communicate!

Concerts and Ramblings

It feels odd posting on here now because having two working ears seems normal now. I'm still amazed every day and hope that I never lose that, but it feels natural to hear now. I have had a few "firsts" lately to share! I LOVE music and am very thankful that I can experience music in a whole new way now. I can hear intricate details and distinguish instruments. I can ENJOY music that I used to hate because now I can hear the sounds instead of a roar. It is nothing short of wonderful!! Since my first Esteem was activated, I've wanted to attend a love concert but never had a chance until last week. I was pretty nervous that it would be too loud or I'd be hypersensitive, but at TWO different shows in very different venues, I didn't even have to use my remote! It was soooo much fun to really enjoy a concert. The company wasn't so bad either. ;). After almost a year with one Esteem, I can't believe how different so many experiences are. It's surpassed my greatest dreams.

Lately, I've been thinking about growing up without hearing. I was really fortunate to be able to function with hearing aids, but now I get how awful they are and how much I really did have to struggle. High school would have been a completely different experience if I'd been able to hear. Part of me wishes I'd never had to go through all of the hard things that I did. However, I get to experience a miracle every day. Those of you who know me know that I worry about everything and over analyze everything. It's no fun and it's NOT ok for a Christian. It's always been a struggle for me. This Esteem journey, though, has changed a lot. God made me able to hear. He did that! I never dreamed that would happen but it did! Knowing that helps me trust in other situations. If God can heal me, He can take care of everything else. Being able to see (well, hear haha!) God work like that is so worth every painful hearing related experience I've ever had. He is amazing. I am constantly in awe.

Group work

It's been a while since I've updated this!! Things are going GREAT with both Esteems. The right ear is healing verrrrrrry slowly. It still hurts a lot and some days it whistles, but it is so worth it. I'm amazed EVERY SINGLE DAY. I'll go back for a hearing test this summer. Hopefully by then, the numbers will reflect the incredible difference. Of course, audiograms cant begin to show how much better life is now.

I'm almost done with my special Ed credential now (thank you, Jesus!). I've done most of the work online but am having to take an on campus class right now. It's my first with two working ears. :). Last week was the first class and we had to work in groups the entire time. Pre-Esteem, I despised working in groups. It was so hard to figure out who was talking and then lip read and make sense of everything. But this time, it was easy!!!! A few minutes into class, a guy said, "Ok, we're the fun group. This is our group for the rest of the class!" I GOT TO BE IN THE FUN GROUP!!! It seems silly, but when you're deaf, you can't be fun in a group. It's too hard! For the first time since I started school, I got to have fun doing a group project and I wasn't the weird kid. I cried on the way home. God is so good to me!

Esteem-iversary

Friday was my first "Esteem-iversary." I feel like a broken record, but I am still amazed by how much this device has improved my life. It doesn't seem possible that it's been a year. I'm still discovering new sounds and learning how to hear. I guess that will be a very long process!:)

Ironically, I've had the worst hearing week in a while this week! My right ear is just refusing to heal. The fluid that will not dissipate gets worse at certain times, usually when I'm sick. Orange blossoms are in full bloom here so my ear is pretty messed up! I feel like I'm under water. The worst part is that the Esteem whistles A LOT. It is freaky to hear whistling inside my head!!!:) I've found that it usually whistles most in the morning, after I've been laying down, so I'm sleeping on four pillows. :) I've been turning that ear down at night, too, which helps. Fortunately, I haven't been nauseated or dizzy too much. I can handle a little whistling if I'm not sick! And hey, at least I can hear the whistling!

Words can't express how grateful I am for this miracle. Our God is able to do so much more than we could ever imagine!!!!!!

3 Month Update

Tomorrow will be 3 months since my second surgery.  Recovery has been brutal, but absolutely worth it!!!!!  I checked my tymp (ear pressure) at school today (thank you, Nurse Sandi!) and it's finally showing a little movement.  The tympanogram measures movement of the ear drum.  If the ear canal is filled with fluid, the ear drum doesn't move.  Since the Esteem does not have a microphone, but uses the ear drum as a microphone (like normal ears do!), it's kind of an issue when the ear drum doesn't move.  It can't carry the sound waves because they are vibrations.  Now that my ear drum is moving a little, my hearing will get better.  Of course, I think it's wonderful right now...and it's nowhere near healed yet!

The best part of the second Esteem is that it just feels normal.  With the first one, I noticed every little sound and it was amazing.  I was a little nervous that this one would be disappointing because I wouldn't notice every single sound.  I thought it would be less exciting.  It definitely is less exciting, but it's amazing how natural it feels.  I don't have to think to hear.  The stress relief that comes with that is the single best thing about the Esteem.  If you're not deaf, you don't understand that and I am glad you don't! :)  If you are, though, trust me: the Esteem makes life so much easier!

I love music.  I enjoy singing and playing the piano.  With my hearing loss, everyone was amazed that I can sing.  I'm not very good, but I can carry a tune.  That is absolutely God's grace.  It's also probably a little bit of my stubborn personality.  I do not like to be told that I can't do something so I've kind of built my life around doing things that require hearing.  That being said, I sing in the praise team at church.  We have an electric piano.  I hate that thing.  Before my Esteem (and after the second surgery when my right ear was totally deaf), I had to stand right in front of the monitor.  With an electric piano, I can't feel vibrations in the floor and it is very, very difficult to stay on pitch and in time when you can't hear the music.  I usually stood right in front of the monitor, turned it all the way up and put my hand on it so I could feel vibrations through it.  Last week, the monitor started smoking and is no longer useable.  We've had one praise team practice and one Sunday morning service without monitors and I did just fine!!!!!!  We have drums on stage now, too, which helps with timing, but makes it harder to hear the electric piano...but even with that, I could hear the music!  It's such a relief to be able to focus on worship instead of obsessing over hearing the music.

The past few weeks have been really stressful and I've been emotional...but the Esteem helps so much! Despite all of the exterior stress, I don't have to feel isolated and like I'm missing so much.  I am thankful every minute of every day!

2 weeks and it feels normal

Well, hearing feels normal. The implant site still hurts! I still try to take out my hearing aids at night but adapting to this implant has been really easy! I'm amazed at how much easier everything is. I have to do a lot of reading assessments at work (I teach special ed) that require me to hear the exact words kids say. It was rough before, since many common reading mistakes are common hearing mistakes, too! Long and short vowels, for instance, or beginning and ending sounds or inflectional endings. Today I have several reading assessments and only had to ask one student to repeat herself. That is a tremendous blessing!!!

The other thing that's tons easier is singing at church. It's hard to hear so many other voices (especially if someone is off key) but I don't have to think about how I'm singing so much. I can actually hear myself inside my head, which is very advantageous. With hearing aids, you can't hear yourself inside your head. I am really enjoying that. It's kind if eerie to me. Singing along to the radio is a lot more fun. :) I missed church last night because I was sick, but apparently the sound system blew up. I think that was God intervening. The monitor (that is now fried) buzzed constantly and it was driving me insane now that I can hear it. :)

I've had a cold for the last week. Colds are never fun, but they are worse with the Esteem. In November, I got really dizzy and nauseated. Fortunately, I haven't done that this time. The excess fluid in the ear makes my Esteem whistle, though. That is NOT cool at night. I have a remote but I rarely use it and it stays downstairs so I couldn't turn the implant off last night. Teaching on 3 hours of sleep isn't so great...but what a great reason to be awake!

Questions

I'm part of an Esteem patients group on Facebook.  Before my surgery, it was really helpful to hear other stories. Lately, though, it's been flooded with complainers and skeptics.  In the last few weeks, a few questions have come up that I'd like to address here.

1) What was the "breaking point" that made you willing to invest thousands of dollars and risk your residual hearing on a procedure that has no guarantees?

First off, NO medical procedure is without risk.  Of course it's risky to break apart the tiny, fragile bones in the middle ear and drill into the skull.  It's not pleasant, either.  I knew that going into it.  Second, the Esteem is a middle ear implant, not a cochlear implant.  In surgery, the hair cell nerves are NOT removed like in cochlear implantation.  Instead, the incus and stapes are separated.  If the Esteem doesn't work for some reason, the ossicular chain (incus, stapes and malleus) can be reattached with ah prosthesis.  Hearing doesn't return to pre-implant levels, but there is still some hearing.  With cochlear implantation, the hair cell nerves are removed, which destroys all residual hearing.  It's a big difference.  That was one of the questions I had before surgery.

I think what bothered me about this question is the implication that all of us implantees were sitting around refusing to live life while we anxiously waited for some miraculous discovery.  That's not the case.  I was determined to not let my hearing loss run my life (which is the other BIG issue I have with deaf community, btw).  I never reached a "breaking point."  I never knew what I was missing.  When I heard about the Esteem, it was kind of like, "Hey, that sounds cool!  Wait a second...do I want to know what hearing is like???"  I'm SO glad I did it but it wasn't because I had some nervous breakdown or couldn't cope.  I did the best I could with hearing aids and when something better came along, I jumped at the chance.  It's that simple.  I also had nothing to lose in my left ear.  The hearing was so bad that a hearing aid just gave me a little bit of balance and orientation.  That's why that ear was implanted first.  As for the thousands of dollars, my insurance did cover it, but this procedure is worth 100 times the cost!!!!  How can you put a price on this?!?!


2) Your hearing wasn't that bad.  Why would you risk surgery?  You aren't getting great gains anyway.  You would be fine with a high powered hearing aid.

This question was in regards to my right ear, the one that was just implanted and is still healing.  It will take months before the fluid finally drains and we can see the real gains I get in this ear.  The person who posed the question apparently can't read because I wrote that...but anyway, my issue here is that the Esteem gives more than volume.  My right ear did OK with hearing aids in a soundproof booth and sound going straight into my hearing aid.  In real life?  Not so much.  Of course, I didn't know what normal hearing was like, so I thought it was great.  After having the left one implanted, though, I realized what a difference in quality the Esteem was compared to hearing aids.  After having one, I definitely wanted the other.  Even if hearing aids offered decent quality (which they don't), they don't help if the smoke detector goes off at night or in water or while running.  The Esteem is a whole new lifestyle...and one I like a lot!

Tears

I'm watching my little cousins tonight while their parents are at a dinner. Ellee, who is four, has the same hearing loss that I do, though hers is worse. It's genetic. Fortunately, hers was diagnosed early and she received a cochlear implant when she was a year old. We're both "bionic girls."


Tonight, as I was putting her to bed, I started crying because it hit me. All of the miserable crap I went through as a kid -always feeling left out, the lost/confused feeling, never enjoying sleep-overs, etc-she will never experience! And if I am blessed with babies someday, they will never have to experience that either, even if the inherit my defective genes. :) Thanks be to God!

If Ellee or I had been born 50 years earlier, we would have had no choice but to sign, go to deaf schools, live like a deaf person. Despite the deaf community's claim that being deaf is great because you have friends everywhere, that life would be so isolating. Until I was 25, I had never met a single Deaf person. I can't imagine going to boarding schools and not being able to communicate with my family or people at my church. What a lonely life that would be! As much as I hate still being single and not having kids yet, I am so thankful that amazing technology like this exists now. It makes the wait a little easier knowing that the Esteem will make me a better wife and mom someday and if my kids are deaf, they can get implants early. I pray that my kids have normal hearing, but if they don't, God has graciously and miraculously allowed us to live in a time where technology is available to help us. He is so good!

Balance

For the first time in my life, I have balanced hearing.  Even with two hearing aids, my right ear was always  much, much better than my left.  Since my first activation, my left ear has been much, much better than my right (even with a hearing aid in that ear).  To be honest, I've been overwhelmed.  I think people are disappointed when they ask me about it because I'm not acting excited or bubbly.  I am excited, but right now, I'm just overwhelmed by sound, change, and gratitude.  The whole experience has been different the second time around.  It's been much more difficult and stressful, but it's definitely worth it.  Again, I'm realizing how much I missed out on before and how much easier life is.  I've been trying to make a list of things I've noticed since having both implants working.  I know I'll leave things out, but here are some highlights:

1) Birds!!!!  Tuesday morning, I walked outside to get in the car and heard THREE different kinds of birds chirping!  All the chirps were different!  I'm used to hearing pigeons (I wish I could program the implant so I don't hear those!) and other birds with deep, low sounds, but the sweet high pitched chirps are new.  It took me a while to figure out what I was hearing.  Then yesterday, getting out of the car at work, my carpool buddy said, "Hey do you hear that?" and it was a different bird.  I didn't know what the sound was until she told me. :)

2) My stove beeps when I turn on a burner.  I've lived here for four years and I use the stove A LOT but I never knew that. :)

3) Praise team practice was tough.  It's very challenging to sing in a group when something changes with hearing.  I'll get used to it, but now that I hear everyone's voices so distinctly within the group, it's challenging to hear the music.  It was pretty funny, though, that I kept asking my dad to turn the volume of the music down because it was WAY too loud....and it was as low as he could set it.  :)  I am so very thankful that, even with the severe loss I've had all my life, I was able to hear music and pitch and sing. That is simply God being gracious.  It is a lot easier to match pitch now that I can hear myself inside my head.

4) I did not realize that you can still hear yourself singing when you're wearing ear buds.  With the Esteem, I hear my own voice inside my head, like people with normal hearing do.  Before, I couldn't hear myself until it came through my hearing aids...so I never knew I could hear myself with earplugs or ear buds.  Crazy!

5) At work on Thursday, I was washing my hands in the restroom and someone in another room said, "Hey, who's in there?" and I answered.  I didn't realize what happened until she said, "Jill?  You heard me??" :)  It's really nice to not have to lipread!

6) Also at work, I heard a few 8th graders talking while their teacher was explaining some math concept so I shot them a dirty look.  Another 8th grader looked up and said, "Hey, I thought you were deaf."  HAHA!  That was priceless. :)

7) Sleeping is tough.  I'm having an alarm installed because all the noises are scaring me!  Turning the implant off is not an option for me because I need to be able to hear at night.  The safety concerns were a big part of why I wanted the Esteem.

8) I'm trying to learn to play my guitar again.  The first time I strummed a chord, I cried.  I've always been fortunate that I can hear individual notes in a piano chord, but never could in a guitar chord. Now I can. :)

9) I LOVE bubble baths!  Being able to listen to music in the tub is fantastic!


I know that, soon, I won't be overwhelmed and will be excited.  Until then, be patient with me. :)  This is an amazing experience and I am so very grateful, but it's a lot to adjust to as well.  It's still surreal in a lot of ways.

Activation, take two!

Yesterday was "activation" for my second Esteem.  It went really well!  I was super nervous because Megan (my MUCH loved audiologist) is no longer working with my surgeon.  I was really pleased with the new audiologist, though.  I was mostly nervous because there was a technician from Envoy (the company that makes the Esteem) at the appointment.  I had heard lots and lots of horror stories about the techs.  Several other implantees were really unhappy because the technicians would only set new activations with factory settings.  I knew I would NOT like that at all and really appreciated Megan's individualized approach.  Fortunately, I had a great experience!!  The programs are individualized and I felt like I was listened to.  My right Esteem (2nd one) has the exactly same settings as my left.  Being bilateral is really new for me because I've always had a 20 decibel difference in my ears.  It will be an adjustment, for sure!!

 My goal in writing this blog is multifold: First and foremost, I have an opportunity to let everyone know about this miracle that God has allowed me to experience.  I want to glorify Him!  The other main reason is that I was so grateful for other Esteem blogs before my first surgery.  It's a very new procedure and I don't know anyone else (in "real life") who has been implanted.  It's nice to read about other peoples' experiences.  For this reason, my mom took LOTS of pictures yesterday so I could show y'all what activation is like!  I realize a lot of you reading this are friends and family of mine (and I'm so very thankful for all your sweet encouragement through all of this!) and many of you have probably never had a full hearing test or seen any of this before.  Hopefully it's interesting and not boring! :)  The pictures are out of order because Blogger is not cooperating!

Bone conduction test:
I have (had?) sensorineural hearing loss, meaning that my hearing loss is caused by dead or improperly formed hair cell nerves in the cochlea.  The other type of hearing loss is bone conduction.  To test bone conduction, they put a little headpiece against the bones on the skull and transmit sound through it.  Obviously, this is kind of unpleasant when you have a relatively new implant in your skull! :)  You can't see the headpiece here but that's what the wires are for.  This is the first test they did yesterday because I had already turned the implant on.  At my first activation, Megan activated the device ASAP (or I might have gone insane!) :)

To transmit the new or updated programs to the implant, I have to hold the personal programmer (remote) against the implant.  In this picture, Arineh is updating the programs in my left (first) implant.

Because my implant site has been super tender this time, it HURT to hold the personal programmer against it for a long time.  The headband is supposed to keep it in place but it didn't work because my head still hurts!

Testing the device!!  The audiologist has to do some tests on the sensor and driver of the Esteem and find the maximum gains.  During these tests, I have to hold the remote against the implant.



Intense focus here.  Actually, it just hurt a lot and I was in pain, but focus sounds better, right? :)  (Arineh, I hope it's ok that I put this picture of you!)

Pure tone test (aka "beep test").  This is like a school screening test but much more thorough.  The audiologist plays beeps or warble tones at various frequencies (500, 750, 1000, 1500, 3000, 4000, 6000 and 8000 hz) and records the lowest decibel at which I can hear them.  The thing in my hand is what I press when I hear a sound.  The wire coming out of my ear is an earbud-type device that transmits the sound.  Now that I can hear in both ears, I have to turn off the implant that is not being tested.  I HATE THIS TEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Any of you who know me realize I am VERY analytical and I HATE to fail at anything so, of course, I hate hearing tests.  The first few beeps are okay but then I imagine beeps because I know I *should* be hearing them.  It's stressful...seriously.  I hear beeps for hours afterward. :) This is also when the audiologists tests for Speech Reception Threshold (SRT) and Word Recognition/Speech Discrimination.  For SRT, the audiologist reads a list of two-syllable words (airplane, cowboy, hot dog, sidewalk) and gradually reduces the sound until I can't understand it anymore.  For Word Rec, they play this obnoxious CD of a man with an annoying voice saying, "Say the word_____" and a bunch of one-syllable words.  One syllable words are a deaf person's worst nightmare!  We usually miss out on beginning and/or ending sounds of them.  For instance, dark/darn (that's one I missed back in August).  The vowel sound stands out in words but those consonants are tricky!

On the way to the appointment, we stopped at Target in Lakewood.  Actually, I found it without navigation or directions...amazing.  Anyhow, I wanted to get a headband because they didn't have one at my first activation.  Unfortunately, the pink one wasn't tight enough to hold the remote against the implant. :(

The actual testing takes place in a soundproof booth, which you can kinda see through the glass.  I sit in there and the audiologist sits in front of the computer.  The headpiece over the computer is for the audiologist, so she can hear me and talk to me during the test.  The computer on the right is specifically for the Esteem.

Two remotes!

After I took the headband off :)  My mom loved this picture.

Great results!  The column on the left is with my Esteem, middle is baseline and right is with a hearing aid (all my right ear).  SRT of 25 dB or lower is normal...so I'm pretty darn close.  I find it hilarious that my uncomfortable level with the Esteem is LESS than my MOST comfortable level before. :)  The discrimination in quiet scores are that annoying "say the word____" test.  Normal conversation is approximately 50 dB.  At that level, I understood 80% of words.  With a hearing aid, I only got 60%.  I do not have test results at that level with no amplification but it would have been bad. :)  At 85 dB (which is VERY loud, a little louder than a piano), I got 96% of words with no amplification.  That's painful with the Esteem. :)  At 70 dB, with a hearing aid I got 96% of words and with the Esteem, 100%.  With my first Esteem, my speech discrimination scores improved over time, as I learned how to understand words through the Esteem.  It will probably do that again.

This is an audiogram.  The Os are my hearing before surgery with no hearing aid.  The E's are with the Esteem.  The X-axis (horizontal) is frequency (which correlates with pitch).  The Y axis is decibel (volume).  Anything 25 dB or lower (0-25, which is higher on the graph) is normal.   It does not show much improvement at the lower frequencies (250, 500, 1K) because my ear is still full of fluid.  If there's fluid in the ear, it's kind of like being underwater or at high elevation.  Once it's healed, I will see improvement in those frequencies.  The gray blob shows where most speech sounds lie.  Right now, there's not much improvement over my hearing aid on this test, but this was my "good" ear.  I had decent hearing with a hearing aid in this ear when it was tested in a sound booth.  Unfortunately, there's no test to measure quality! :)  I'll have to do another post about that soon!

Week 9

Tomorrow will be 9 weeks post surgery. Yesterday, my tymp was STILL flat. The amazing thing, though, is that I can still hear with a flat tympanogram and an unprogrammed implant. God is so faithful. I really can't imagine what things will be like when both ears are healed and programmed. :) I started a nasal steroid tonight and will start an oral steroid tomorrow. That should be fun...:-\ hopefully, that will help with the ear pressure and I can get the implant programmed on Monday!

Random observations:
1) Even with no programming and tons of pressure in the ear, the implant already sounds better than a hearing aid.

2) The stress relief was almost instant when the implant came on. I still can't believe that I was tense my entire life and never knew it was because I couldn't hear. I thought it was just me.

3) paper is LOUD!

4) Sleeping is difficult with sound in both ears

5) Rosco woke me up at 12:30 a few nights ago. I listened and sure enough, a car alarm was going off. I heard it from my bedroom upstairs!

6) Three years ago, on Valentines Day, my date asked if my hearing loss was genetic. When I told him it was, he replied, "By the time you have kids, there will be some new technology and it won't even matter." I thought he was crazy...but he was right. Yes, God is faithful and I am beyond thankful for this miracle.

God Works in Mysterious Ways?!?!

If you read last night's post, you are well aware that yesterday was  f.r.u.s.t.r.a.t.i.n.g!  Today is 8 weeks which was worst case scenario for activation, but hearing it might be four more weeks...that was rough.  I didn't sleep much last night and when I did sleep, I  had crazy dreams.  This morning, I was exhausted and stressed.  I carpool to work and my carpool buddy was driving, which is nice because I am TOTALLY deaf in my right ear.  Think about that for a minute.  You can't lipread if you're driving and you can't hear anything in that ear.  It's loads of fun...  Anyway, she was driving but I was still having a hard time understanding her because you also can't lipread when someone else is driving since they have to look at the road.  I reached into my purse for my remote to turn up the volume on my left (first) implant except I was so tired and frustrated, I accidentally put it on the new, unactivated implant and turned it on.  Seriously.  I didn't even realize it at first!

The reason activation is after healing is because the sound quality is bad when there's fluid in the middle ear.  Based on my tympanogram (ear pressure test), there is still a whole lot of fluid in my middle ear.  It's basically like having swimmers ear the entire time.  Of course, you can't hear well when there's fluid in the ear.  Unlike a hearing aid, the Esteem does use the ear drum as a microphone (which is how normal people hear), so if it can't move, it's bad.  So the sound isn't great, but it works.  There's very little clarity, but the volume helps tremendously.  In fact, it sounds just like a hearing aid.  That's right, hearing aids sound so awful that they make implantees wait practically forever to get activated so it won't sound that bad.  They really do sound awful.  (Note: I know I have lots of family/friends with deaf/HOH kids.  This is exactly why implants are GREAT! Do the surgeries!  It is worth it!)  Even when the implant is not programmed at all and my ear is full of fluid, it sounds just as good as my hearing aids ever did.

Of course, I called my surgeon's office right away.  His office manager  (love her!) told me it wouldn't do any damage to leave it on and was amazed that it sounded good.  I was actually using that ear to talk on the phone.  Before this morning, we were debating whether to do oral steroids to aid in healing or not.  After talking with her and getting a voicemail from the surgeon (love him!), the plan is...

1) Keep the implant on (like I was going to turn it off even if they told me to...)
2) Start a nasal steroid ASAP.
3) Check tymps (ear pressure) on Tuesday.  If they're good, keep using nasal steroid.
4) If tymps are NOT good on Tuesday, start oral steroids.  It's a short round, just five days.
5) HOPEFULLY, the pressure will subside and I can have "activation" on the 18th.  Of course, it's not really activation since I accidentally activated myself, but the audiologist can actually program the device.

I can't believe how good this sounds without any programming.  It's not personalized and it's poor quality, but overall, it's decent.  Having sound in two ears helps a lot.  Now, I can't wait for it to be working at capacity!!  Turning on the implant was really an accident (I swear!), but I kinda think it was God's answer to my tearful prayers all night last night. :)

Funny story: My surgeon is wonderful!  When he left a voicemail today, he told me to do try the nasal steroid then said, "I don't know any details about your personal life, but if there is absolutely no chance that you could be pregnant, try the oral steroids, too."  I laughed so hard!  Obviously, I am okay to take oral steroids. :) 

Brutal Honesty

I've tried to be optimistic despite all the difficulties this time around, but right now, I'm just going to be honest. Tomorrow is 8 weeks since surgery. The 8 week mark is the "absolute latest" healing takes place, but my ear is still not healed at all. I had to cancel another activation appointment today and don't know when my ear will be healed enough to activate. And I'm frustrated. It's not because things aren't happening like unplanned or the other one healed so quickly (like everyone seems to think). It's because I'm exhausted and stressed out and lonely. I go to work and struggle all day. I can't understand my students and, as wonderful as my coworkers are, I'm completely isolated because it's so frustrating to not be able to hear anyone. Then I come home to an empty house every night. Keys not forget the miserable failures my last several dates have been...that doesn't help the loneliness. On top of that, I'm furious with myself for feeling like this. I KNOW that God works everything for good and that this will all be worth it. It's stupid to be so frustrated. I get that, really. I'm trying so so hard to stay positive...but tonight, it's not working.

Life Don't Go Quite Like You Planned it

To quote Sugarland, "Life don't go quite like ya planned it; we try to hard to understand it; the irrefutable, indisputable fact is, it happens!"

It's been 6 weeks and 2 days since surgery and my ear has not healed at.  I feel normal, the incision looks great, the hair is even growing back...but the pressure in my middle ear is still bad.  Pressure is measured by a tympanogram test.  It's supposed to look like a very steep mountain on the screen (see pictures).  Unfortunately, mine is still a flat line.  A flat line indicates trauma to the ear drum (unlikely, but a possible surgery complication) or a lot of fluid in the ear.  Most likely, it's just fluid in the ear that is refusing to go away.  Sometimes healing takes a long time but my dr. said by 8 weeks, everyone is healed. However, I know of at least 3 people who have NOT healed by the 8 week mark since they changed the surgery procedures back in August. 

The frustrating thing is that I was scheduled to activate last Monday, the 21st.  My work schedule is insane right now and I can't really take a day off without missing some important meeting. I scheduled the surgery so I could activate on the 21st and go back for an adjustment on Feb. 11 or 18, which are also holidays.  Obviously, my plan didn't work.  While I absolutely believe that God can change our plans for a reason, I also believe that sometimes life just stinks.  Dramatic?  Yes.  The funny thing is, with my right ear completely deaf and my left ear (Esteem activated), I'm hearing pretty much the same as I did my whole life with hearing aids, except that the quality is much better.  It's awful.  Now that I know how well I'm supposed to be hearing, I have no idea how I managed to function like this all through school and college and teaching.  I'm stressed out all the time and don't want to be around people.  I dread going to church and work....and forget trying to eat in a restaurant!  But I made it to my goal of Jan. 21.  I didn't let it stop me from living life and I kept a pretty decent attitude about it...but wait; it's not over yet.  Needless to say, I'm pretty frustrated.  Activation is scheduled for Feb. 11 now, but there's been NO improvement in the last week so I don't know if I'll be able to do that! 

I know it will be worth it.  Really, I do.  I'm just tired of this.  Hearing is the main way that we communicate and I had become used to communicating easily.  To have that taken away is difficult.  Throw in insurance difficulties, the awful surgery center, grad school requirements and 3 dating disasters in the last month and I'm one stressed out girl!  It is really strange that I overreact to EVERYTHING when I can't hear.  I guess it's that constantly stressed out feeling but it's kind of obnoxious.

Despite the difficulties, I still absolutely believe that the Esteem is a miracle and I am so grateful for it.  Before the Esteem, if I didn't have my right hearing aid, I couldn't function.  Now, my right ear is completely deaf and it's not easy, but I'm still living life fairly normally.  Anything worth having is worth waiting, right?  Hopefully, it'll just be a few more weeks!



 

 

 

Normal (type A) Tympanogram






My tympanogram 1-17-13

Surgery day pictures

Well, I typed up this loooooong post about how having a disability was not fun but that being able to live a miracle because of it made it all worth it, but Blogger apparently thought I shouldn't post that. :(

I FINALLY uploaded the pictures from my real camera.  Here they are:

In the waiting room before surgery.  THIS is why make-up should be allowed on surgery day.  I may or may not have said that to the dr...yeah, I keep it classy. :)

Dr. Shohet.  I adore him.  What can you say about the person who makes it possible for you to hear?

No, it's not coffee...I'm not THAT addicted. :)  After the dr. talked to my parents and told them everything went well, they went to get me hot tea from Starbucks.  After my first surgery, I had a terrible sore throat and wanted tea right away.  That didn't happen this time, but I was grateful for it since my grouchy nurse was stingy with the apple juice.  I'm still bitter about that.

 

 

 

 

My hair kept falling out around the incision site.  If you look at it now, it looks like they barely took any hair, but I have a lot of super thick hair.  This was gross and it pretty much freaked me out every time.

Leaving the surgery center.  I was in TONS of pain here.  Grouchy nurse would only give me half a percocet.  That makes sense after my head was just cut up open and my skull drilled into, right?  In fact, as soon as we got to the hotel, I begged my parents for pain meds...literally in tears.  It was bad.  I can't believe how different it was from the first surgery!

As for an update, I feel great!  The pain is pretty much gone.  I can sleep on the implant side now and actually put my hair in a ponytail last week!  The implant site feels really tight when I turn my head to the left, but that's really all I notice.  The incision is barely noticeable already.  The first week was tough, but now, I definitely don't feel like I had surgery less than a month ago! :)

3 weeks

It's been 3 weeks and I feel GREAT! I drove to Long Beach and went to the aquarium and on a harbor cruise with Jeralyn and the kids today and I'm not half dead. :) The implant site is still VERY sensitive and it hurts quite a bit. I am still not sure when activation will happen but I'm definitely ready. I'm not nervous about activation this time (yet) but I'm struggling without any hearing in my right ear.

Having Gavyn and Brynna here has reinforced why I'm so glad to have the Esteem before I have children. It's so sweet to wake up to a little voice saying, "Hi Jill. It's morning! Let's make pink pancakes!" The reassurance of knowing I can hear them at night is worth every second of pain as well. As much as I HATE not having my own family yet, I am very glad that God, in His infinite wisdom, allowed me to gain hearing before having kids. Now He can send me a man anytime. ;)

I didn't realize how much more social I've become since surgery. Without hearing in the right ear, I'm back to my withdrawn ways. It's soooooo much work to try and figure out what people are saying. Cars are the worst!! I get really frustrated when I'm driving and I can't hear anyone or lipread. Fortunately, this is temporary.:) I've forgotten so much of deaf life already and it's only been 8 months! This recovery is definitely reminding me of how amazing the Esteem really is!